Exposed!

Ok, so I am going to get real exposed!!

Do you ever have the feeling of being completely naked in front of 180,000 people?  I say 180,000 people because, today I feel like I am in the center of the Volunteer Football Stadium butt naked and everyone is starting at me!  All my pain and suffering is exposed for all to see. The amusing thing is I have been alone 90% of the day!!!

The feeling didn't start completely naked, first I was in the middle of the field shielded but my protector, then as I got deeper into my wounds today, I was bare for all to see.  My protector was there but I didn't know it.  I know He (Jesus) was covering me in His way, but I felt he was in the stands watching with everyone else and NOT protecting me.

For some odd reason, things from my past are NOT healed!!  WHO KNEW:)

For years, I was abandoned, alone and afraid.  My heart and soul were so empty.  I was lost in a crazy world of drugs, drinking and sex.  When I moved I thought that I would be much better.  Little did I know that this road is HARD!  I wish someone would have told me, well, I take that back-Kelly told me it was a hard road, but I didn't believe her.

First part of my healing was my abortions.  I did "what I was supposed to do" with receiving healing on that end of my heart.  BUT, there is so much more pain and suffering behind my eyes.  I have been in counseling for years now and my counselor  now calls my crap "Alexa's bag of bullshit."  Amusing huh?
It is a bag of bullshit, its a big bag, a heavy bag and I have loved it being there for many years.

Let me tell you a little about my "bag of bullshit"- Fear of people in my life leaving me, fear of being neglected, fear of being married, fear of being a horrible wife, fear of cheating on my husband, fear of not being a good friend, fear of not really "knowing" Jesus, fear of not being a good mother, fear of getting fat, fear of not succeeding in my business, fear of failing in all places in my life, afraid to love people because I don't want to get hurt, fear of not being loved, fear of never being healed,  fear of no one liking who I really am and fear of people knowing the Real ME.

The list can go on and on...But as I am "doing life" trying so hard to be someone people like and will love, it's exhausting.

The real Alexa is, Broken, lost, lonely sometimes, really sensitive, I cry a lot, really funny, a BIG dork, very affectionate, really loves people, really loves post abortive women, adores kids, loves her boyfriend, loves the friends she has, deeply loves her family, loves acting, loves singing, I laugh A LOT, I dance funny to make people laugh, I'm in LOVE with Jesus, and I AM REDEEMED. (I pray that I believe all of this soon)

All these fears the Lord will take care of, I just keep trusting that He will stay by my side when its uncomfortable.  He has taught me to remain in His arms.  He is teaching me peace and rest.
Rest in the anxiety
Have peace that the Lord will heal me.
Rest in the most uncomfortable days.
Peace in the changing.

This is the most uncomfortable year I have had in a long time.  Really, the most uncomfortable couple days ever!  If you are uncomfortable, SIT, PRAY, SEEK.

Lord,
This season is not fun, its uncomfortable, high anxiety and painful.  The world is seeing the messy mess I am.  I pray that you teach me to stay calm.  I pray that you teach me to be at rest in your arms, no one else's.  Take all my fears and heal.  I pray for those who are around me going through this kind of healing to break free with me!  I just want to know you more lord.

Amen

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=N0B2ybZpDeM

Listen and REST.


Alexa:))

Joy

The Lord is bringing me through the Fruits of the Spirits..Its pretty fun for Him and I.  The first one He started with is Joy.

What is real Joy?  What does it mean to be joyful?
In the dictionary joy means: 1. Intense and especially ecstatic or exultant happiness, 2. The expression or manifestation of such feeling.
What does that look like for the broken world to see all believers be joyful?

I didn't really "get" how to be joyful, even in the mess and dark or life...

I was watching the Duggers reality show, the mom was pregnant.  They were all so excited about the new little one joining their family.  They all chose a name together as a family, they grew closer through the process of coming together and being joyful about the new addition to the family.
Mom was getting to find out the sex of the baby at the next appointment.  Mom and Dad got to the doctors office, while all the other kids were so pumped and anxiously waiting to know the sex of the new baby.

Mom and Dad get to the doctors office, the ultrasound tech was all ready...Mom and Dad were all smiles, the ultrasound tech had the panic look on her face, then the words no parent wants to hear are "there is not heartbeat."

My heart sunk....

The change in their faces was too hard to watch, the pain you feel with them, even though you don't "know" them, you are weeping with them.

Mom simply said with so much love, peace and mercy.."the Lord Giveth and the Lord Taketh away...Blessed be the name of the Lord."

I was BLOWN away...

Then Mom asked Dad to pray....They both prayed with such heartache, confusion, pain but most importantly, JOY.

She said "I am joyful I was able to hold her in my belly for the amount of time i did, she brought so much joy already into our family"

WOW...I was thinking the whole time (as she was speaking truth, love and joy to America) I don't think I would handle this the way she did, I was almost mad for her....

What a good example she displayed, so much grace and love.  So much Joy she showed the world.

Everyone has their story, their pain, their joy but how do we handle it in the moment.  Are we joyful? Do we trust in?  Do we walk around covered in our mess so everyone can see our pity party?

I know I want to be FULL OF JOY, like Mrs. Dugger.


Lord fill us with joy, teach us how to be joyful, teach us how to love with joy...

Winter is Over

Song of Songs 2:10-13

Get up, my dear friend (Alexa),  fair and beautiful lover—come to me! Look around you: Winter is over; the winter rains are over, gone! Spring flowers are in blossom all over. The whole world's a choir—and singing!Spring warblers are filling the forest  with sweet arpeggios.Lilacs are exuberantly purple and perfumed,    and cherry trees fragrant with blossoms.Oh, get up, dear friend,    my fair and beautiful lover—come to me!Come, my shy and modest dove—    leave your seclusion, come out in the open.Let me see your face, let me hear your voice.For your voice is soothing and your face is ravishing.

The winter is gone, something is going to bloom very very soon!  I can feel the anticipation.  I can feel the chains being broken.  I can taste joy and victory.

When the Lord is breaking you free of something, it hurts like hell, but it is worth every bit of it.

I have been in a season of learning.  Season of hurting.  Season of new birth.

I am in the process of something!  I don't know what it is, the lord has promised me more....I WANT IT...Its for the taking!  

He promised me more of Him, more of my new life and more adventure.

New things are happening for me, I cannot wait to see where I am going.  But I AM READY:))

Fear

John 14

The Road

 ^1-4 "Don't let this throw you. You trust God, don't you? Trust me. There is plenty of room for you in my Father's home. If that weren't so, would I have told you that I'm on my way to get a room ready for you? And if I'm on my way to get your room ready, I'll come back and get you so you can live where I live. And you already know the road I'm taking."

 ⁵Thomas said, "Master, we have no idea where you're going. How do you expect us to know the road?"

 ^6-7Jesus said, "I am the Road, also the Truth, also the Life. No one gets to the Father apart from me. If you really knew me, you would know my Father as well. From now on, you do know him. You've even seen him!"

 ⁸Philip said, "Master, show us the Father; then we'll be content."

 ^9-10"You've been with me all this time, Philip, and you still don't understand? To see me is to see the Father. So how can you ask, 'Where is the Father?' Don't you believe that I am in the Father and the Father is in me? The words that I speak to you aren't mere words. I don't just make them up on my own. The Father who resides in me crafts each word into a divine act.

 ^11-14"Believe me: I am in my Father and my Father is in me. If you can't believe that, believe what you see—these works. The person who trusts me will not only do what I'm doing but even greater things, because I, on my way to the Father, am giving you the same work to do that I've been doing. You can count on it. From now on, whatever you request along the lines of who I am and what I am doing, I'll do it. That's how the Father will be seen for who he is in the Son. I mean it. Whatever you request in this way, I'll do.

The Spirit of Truth

^15-17"If you love me, show it by doing what I've told you. I will talk to the Father, and he'll provide you another Friend so that you will always have someone with you. This Friend is the Spirit of Truth. The godless world can't take him in because it doesn't have eyes to see him, doesn't know what to look for. But you know him already because he has been staying with you, and will even be in you!

 ^18-20"I will not leave you orphaned. I'm coming back. In just a little while the world will no longer see me, but you're going to see me because I am alive and you're about to come alive. At that moment you will know absolutely that I'm in my Father, and you're in me, and I'm in you.

 ²¹"The person who knows my commandments and keeps them, that's who loves me. And the person who loves me will be loved by my Father, and I will love him and make myself plain to him."

 ²²Judas (not Iscariot) said, "Master, why is it that you are about to make yourself plain to us but not to the world?"

 ^23-24"Because a loveless world," said Jesus, "is a sightless world. If anyone loves me, he will carefully keep my word and my Father will love him—we'll move right into the neighborhood! Not loving me means not keeping my words. The message you are hearing isn't mine. It's the message of the Father who sent me.

 ^25-27"I'm telling you these things while I'm still living with you. The Friend, the Holy Spirit whom the Father will send at my request, will make everything plain to you. He will remind you of all the things I have told you. I'm leaving you well and whole. That's my parting gift to you. Peace. I don't leave you the way you're used to being left—feeling abandoned, bereft. So don't be upset. Don't be distraught.

 ²⁸"You've heard me tell you, 'I'm going away, and I'm coming back.' If you loved me, you would be glad that I'm on my way to the Father because the Father is the goal and purpose of my life.

 ^29-31"I've told you this ahead of time, before it happens, so that when it does happen, the confirmation will deepen your belief in me. I'll not be talking with you much more like this because the chief of this godless world is about to attack. But don't worry—he has nothing on me, no claim on me. But so the world might know how thoroughly I love the Father, I am carrying out my Father's instructions right down to the last detail.

   "Get up. Let's go. It's time to leave here."

What a sweet story!  God is with us, He is not leaving.  Even when we walk blindly into situations He knows the outcome before we do.  He will not leave you, He is coming back.  He is ALIVE and we are ALIVE.

The old creeps up!

Old has Gone...New will come

Song of Songs 2:10-13

Get up, my dear friend (Alexa),  fair and beautiful lover—come to me! Look around you: Winter is over; the winter rains are over, gone! Spring flowers are in blossom all over. The whole world's a choir—and singing!Spring warblers are filling the forest  with sweet arpeggios.Lilacs are exuberantly purple and perfumed,    and cherry trees fragrant with blossoms.Oh, get up, dear friend,    my fair and beautiful lover—come to me!Come, my shy and modest dove—    leave your seclusion, come out in the open.Let me see your face, let me hear your voice.For your voice is soothing and your face is ravishing.

_________________________________________________________________
Why do we go back to the old? Old behaviors, old habits, old coping, old posture and old self.  When we fall back into the old self, something happens...Someone hurt us or we hurt someone.
When that happens we run to the old. It's more comfortable, known and familiar.
Tonight I ran to the old, I immediately turned into a bratty 14 year old who didn't get their way and shoved my feelings down to not feel.  If you can picture this....

That was happening to me on the inside and the person I was acting like that to would tell you I was acting like this on the outside too:(

Here is how it all started, like usual going back to the old looks a little like this.

Someone (very close to me) is doing something that makes me "feel" unwanted.

Then I feel insecure, then I try to rationalize whats about to happen when I throw a tantrum. Then the person asks, "you ok?" I say "Yup, i just don't want to talk about it" (famous stuffing our feelings line!)  Then I start slamming items around, huffing and puffing..My goal is to make it very obvious that I am upset. When I am finished making my so-called point.

Then the best part comes up..I act like nothing happened.  So I kind of look like this...Still a baby (old self)

I get really uncomfortable with the tension and arguing, so I move on. Did you see where the old self came out and why?  It slowly creeps up on  you them BAM, you are throwing a tantrum. 

Ephesians 4:22-24
“You were taught, with regard to your former way of life, to put off your old self, which is being corrupted by its deceitful desires; to be made new in the attitude of your minds; and to put the new self, created to be like God in true righteousness and holiness."


Let what is dead BE dead.-See what the Lord can do.!!!
How do we walk it out with out the tantrum and keep learning?  I don't have the answer but I do know that he invited me into a season of new.  The verse from the beginning is the verse that I am soaking in.  Tonight, after my tantrum, I had to run to him.
 I was so sad, mad and just wanted to cry.  He gave me the second sentence...
"Look around you: Winter is over; the winter rains are over, gone! Spring flowers are in blossom all over."
What a sweet word from the Lord.  THE WINTER IS OVER (the old is gone) the winter rains (old behaviors) are over, gone! Spring flowers (new self) are in blossom all over.


This is where I desire ....in His presence, free and NEW!







Lord, I pray that my new self busts out the seams.  Lord, give me a new posture, new eyes to see myself and a new way of communication. I don't want to hurt the closest people around me, that's not my heart.  I hate that i acted like that tonight.  I don't want to be that old self.  I don't want to have the posture of a bratty child.  I am deeply wanting to take criticism from the person who really loves me and make myself better.  I deeply love relationships and have the desire to be transparent.  I desire to be the Wife that has a real and loving marriage.   The wife that listens, is patient, is kind, is loving and respects her husband.  I want less tantrums and more communication. Amen


By the way the person I threw the tantrum to, has a ton of grace for me and he is forgiving! Thank goodness!

Jesus, calls us to a new creation...I am accepting the invite.  Will you?