Pulled

      Have you ever felt like you are being pulled in many places with the Lord?  I am the student who has a hard time focusing on one thing.  He wants to teach me so much right now but sometimes I don’t think I am listening or paying attention.  I am feeling as if I am in Middle School again trying to understand math.  If I put forth the effort I could understand in time, but back then I chose to fail and now I Crave to succeed.  What does that look like? I am getting these pictures of where the Lord wants to take me, to be honest I almost pee my pants in excitement, anticipation and I am petrified.  I am excited because I see so much of his work being done and I get to be a part of that. Petrified because what if I screw it up!  As I say those words Screw it up, I get a whisper from the Lord, going-NOPE! I don’t think he is big enough to take care of a mess up? I don’t think his Grace will cover that mess up? I will mess up and I will say something wrong! The best part of all that is I get to have him to teach me and guide me.  It sounds very churchy but it is true.  I am so eager and willing to see what will happen but as for right now I need to focus on today and NOW and what we are doing with today! Because honestly he will take care of the rest of it

Lord, Thank You so much for just today and being here with me right  now in Books A Million! I pray that wherever you take me that you hold on tight and don’t let go.  Sometimes I am so scared you will let go, but then you always show up. There is a song that comes to my mind is better is one day, because better is one day in your courts, better is one day in your house, better is one day in your courts than thousands elsewhere.  I love you so much and thanks for teaching and training me for what will come.  Better IS one day, In Jesus Name, Amen

Livin it up, then into his arms

         To catch up...I was living in Chattanooga, "Livin it up" as I would say laughing.  I decided to go back to the "old Alexa" and do life without Him.  Now I moved back to Knoxville with a great place to live for the time being, loving community and sober (again!).  But on the other hand I have no job, no money, no permanent home, credit ruined and feeling very very worthless.  My friend tells me these are the consequences for my behavior.  Last time I went into a spiral it was ten years of "Livin it up" and then I packed my bags and moved to Knoxville, now it was 4 months of so-called fun. My relapses get shorter and shorter, which I would say thank goodness, but when does it not happen? Throughout the partying and trying life without him, I felt so alone, scared, broken and feeling that I will NEVER get back to him.  At the time it seemed so fun and worth it.  In the end I felt worthless. 

        I was hiding, isolating and running.  I was running to a bottle of vodka.  I needed to run to the arms of the Lord.  But I wasn't ready.  When I got fired, I said to the Lord, "REALLY" I was so surprised I have never gotten fired ever in my life.  I loved working, maybe I worked too much and didn't involve him into any aspect of work. 

       Running, Running and more running I am running back into the arms of my father.  It sounds like it was a magical event but really I am struggling.  It is very humbling to be fired and living with a family (again).  These are my consequences from my actions, I GOT IT!  I still have no job and I am wondering where he is taking me now.  I am in a very uncomfortable place and feel anxious, not an excited anxious but more of a "get me out of this place" anxious.  Its hard to trust in Him for certain things that you  never trusted him with. 

       I am glad that I went to Chattanooga and sunk, some of you might say"WHAT"
I thought I had it "all together" and Boom! It dropped....We will see what happens but I am nervous, excited, anxious, sad, worried, and feel worthless all at the same time....Hes got me I know but its hard to trust that's for sure.

Just Breathe

Just Breathe

Breathing seems so much easier said than done, you wouldn't think so but when the Lord tells you to breathe its much harder. I have been putting myself into a hole that began to get deeper and deeper as time went on. I tried AGAIN to love life without Him, as my friend Jana would say, " How's that working out for ya?"

I would say by the looks of my life its not really working out for me. I feel like I haven't hit rock bottom, should I feel like I have? Or does my rock bottom look different now then 2 years ago? He has to be teaching me something! I am trying to take one day at a time, that sounds very cliche, but true. I don't know how long I can do this one day at a time stuff, but I am learning to look to him before anything. Very new process for me!!! He is giving me words like, Don't be anxious, breathe, look to me. Love hearing him, its been way too long.

Breathing with him, breathing his love in, breathing on breathe at a time. Are you breathing? Am I still breathing? What do I need everyday to breathe him in? What do you need?

 

Do I take breaks?

I am still sinking…I can see land now, Still alive but barely breathing.

 I am sick in bed watching Sex and The City 2, probably not the best to watch right now!  There is a part in the movie when Carrie and Big have a conversation about Big wanting to “take a break” once a week.  Carrie was taken back, her feelings were hurt.  Throughout the pain in her eyes she agreed to it, because she loves Big so much.  Do I ask the Lord for “time off?” Does he have pain in his eyes, but still lets me go because he loves me so much?  I don’t technically ask him for “time off” but I do not really knowing what I am doing.  I am really trying to walk alone.  It becomes scary and lonely.  I went to a baby shower last weekend for my friend and one of my great friends asked me how I am.  How I am REALLY!  I cried and did the usual, life sucks but I am trying.  She asked her famous question, “How is it working for you?”  I laughed as the table laughed and my answer is always NO.  Why do we keep running? Why do we think that we can do it alone?  Obviously, it isn’t working for me.    Why do I think it will work out?  When I start to run I notice alarms going off.  My alarms come as fast as me sliding down a fast water slide.  First thing that happens is I am so tired, then my financial situation gets worse, then I am at the bottom of the slide in no time.  When I hit the bottom it’s not like my old bottom is not as worse but the more I try to slide down the slide alone the bottom gets worse.  I am taking my friends advice to take one day one step with HIM at a time!  What do you do when you start sliding down the slide?  What alarms happen for you?

I want the life jacket NOW!!!! I cry out for the float down the slide.

A Journal Entry Last night to the Lord

Well I feel like I am in an ocean of water and I am drowning.  I can still see but, I am getting close to not breathing.   Work is going okay but I am not doing my best that I can.  I am always so tired and don’t want to get out of bed, I am doing  things from my past that make me feel good…But in the end all my problems are still there.  I have a yearning to come to you and love you and run to you but I cannot seem to get there.  I want to choose “right” But left is much more easy right now.  I know all the words that people would say to me about what I “need” to do and where I “need” to go.  But I feel the only way I “need” to go is into your arms. 

The day I moved here is the day I let go of you.  Part of me knows what I am doing is not what You want me to do but again its easier right now.  I feel alone and lost.  Drowning.  I don’t have a community here and no one local to be with.  I want what I had in Knoxville.  I remember when I first moved here you told me “Lex, it’s going to be hard, but I have your hand”  Really? I feel that you don’t have my hand, I am not angry at you more myself for running farther and farther from you.  I was listening to a song at work and all I heard was “I miss the sound of your voice”  Really? I miss yours too why can’t you just talk to me and tell me what and where and when I need to be doing your will…Or do I just need to stop striving for something?  I finally got my house in order, thanks for helping and giving me energy for that.  I feel distracted and confused.  I want you to send me an email or something to tell me what is next.  If I keep choosing the things I am doing I will be right back into the Hell I was in 2 years ago.  I know what that feels like and it wasn’t fun for me or you!  I talked to my friend tonight about all this, she is my shoulder and hand to hold and she told me….

“If I keep picking my little girl up when she tries to walk and don’t let her fall, she will never learn to walk sometimes she needs to keep falling.”

That stuck with me…are you letting me fall and fall till I say I need you and love you?  But you know I love you and need you.  Why are you letting me fall over and over again?  Guess I am learning and you are teaching but I wish that you would give me a lifejacket and pull me out of the water.  Sometimes when I am laying in bed I cry and cry out for you but I cannot hear you..I think you need to speak louder.

We are so much better together, not just me trying and trying.

I keep listening to “I can’t take my eyes off you” by Lady Antebellum and I think of the part when it says

                Just lay here beside me and hold me and just don’t let go. 

I want that back I want you to hold me and not take your eyes off me.  Are you doing that? I can’t feel it or maybe I am just not feeling it or listening because I don’t want to?

I have a picture on facebook that says “Every wall must fall” Are you tearing down more and more?

Give me love and patience.  I feel like you are feeling more pain than me during this process but I am so selfish and don’t care or am I consumed with my own pain. Don’t really know where to go from here.  Yes attend church, celebrate recovery, or how about just start talking to you.  I don’t need rehab or a group home I NEED YOU. I need to run to you and jump into your arms.

                “tell me I’m forgiving and loved”

Maybe I don’t really want you to pull me up.  Maybe I want to keep sinking until I can’t breathe anymore. Do I want to keep drowning? Or do I want your lifejacket?

“If you can go through life without ever experiencing pain you probably haven’t been born yet”

                -Ashley Williams-

“Your tears are my prayers”

                -Ashley Williams-

“I am defined here as the heart breaking inability to sustain contentment”

                -Ashley Williams-