War

The enemy will take you down faster than we can even see or know.  I am feeling a little sad, lonely and really loved all at the same time.  There is a lot going on in my life, on the outside I appear to be "good."   My community of sisters would pull the Bullshit card on me. In all honesty I am today.  Today is very tough.  I keep asking the Lord one question for some months now, I say that he has not answered, or I like to tell people that He has given me the answer that I really wanted to hear.  But last night it hit me, we this morning at 2 am.  I wont go into detail but I found myself in a position that I wish  would have never happened. I was at war.  When you "feel" you are doing well and everything is "right" BOOM it hits you, well situations you put yourself in hits you.  Lets be frank the darker the situation the bigger the God we have.  Driving at 2 am was the moment "it" hit me.  Decisions need to be made, where am I going in life, who I am surrounding myself with, why do I go back and put the old self on?  Through conversation with my sweet friend I am trying to find healing in all this.  I am not living like I am going to heaven, I am living in the posture He will not keep pursing me and finding His lost sheep.  Last night was gross, sad and a sense of overwhelming love.  He is with me always, He will find His lost sheep no matter what.  There is a decision I have to make and it is hard for me to swallow but needs to be done.  I don't know if today is it or next year.  I am on a journey.  Today I feel gross.  Tomorrow is a new day, new mercy, grace and choices.  Thankful for that. 
Today I am healing and praying for redemption.  This is our love story, trying to let Him be the author that He is.  Hard when I am being selfish and needy.

Lord, I pray for healing and for you to restore.  I pray that you open my eyes and teach me.  I love that I am your lost sheep.  I always want to be the lost sheep because  in all reality, that makes me need you everyday.  Thank you for being with me at 2 am, thank you for loving me and guarding me when I needed it.  thank you for praying for me even if you were saddened by what was going on.  I love you more and more.  Keep the enemy far way,  and keep me closer.  Amen.