To catch up...I was living in Chattanooga, "Livin it up" as I would say laughing. I decided to go back to the "old Alexa" and do life without Him. Now I moved back to Knoxville with a great place to live for the time being, loving community and sober (again!). But on the other hand I have no job, no money, no permanent home, credit ruined and feeling very very worthless. My friend tells me these are the consequences for my behavior. Last time I went into a spiral it was ten years of "Livin it up" and then I packed my bags and moved to Knoxville, now it was 4 months of so-called fun. My relapses get shorter and shorter, which I would say thank goodness, but when does it not happen? Throughout the partying and trying life without him, I felt so alone, scared, broken and feeling that I will NEVER get back to him. At the time it seemed so fun and worth it. In the end I felt worthless.
I was hiding, isolating and running. I was running to a bottle of vodka. I needed to run to the arms of the Lord. But I wasn't ready. When I got fired, I said to the Lord, "REALLY" I was so surprised I have never gotten fired ever in my life. I loved working, maybe I worked too much and didn't involve him into any aspect of work.
Running, Running and more running I am running back into the arms of my father. It sounds like it was a magical event but really I am struggling. It is very humbling to be fired and living with a family (again). These are my consequences from my actions, I GOT IT! I still have no job and I am wondering where he is taking me now. I am in a very uncomfortable place and feel anxious, not an excited anxious but more of a "get me out of this place" anxious. Its hard to trust in Him for certain things that you never trusted him with.
I am glad that I went to Chattanooga and sunk, some of you might say"WHAT"
I thought I had it "all together" and Boom! It dropped....We will see what happens but I am nervous, excited, anxious, sad, worried, and feel worthless all at the same time....Hes got me I know but its hard to trust that's for sure.
Girl HE totally has you. Don't ever lose sight of that wonderful fact. I have no idea where he is taking you, but I do know it will wonderful and way better than if you went there without him. He has picked us up and moved us to FL. I am feeling alot of the same things you are. Love you, and sending you a big hug :)
ReplyDeleteThank You so much for those sweet words...Ill be praying for you.
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