Livin it up, then into his arms

         To catch up...I was living in Chattanooga, "Livin it up" as I would say laughing.  I decided to go back to the "old Alexa" and do life without Him.  Now I moved back to Knoxville with a great place to live for the time being, loving community and sober (again!).  But on the other hand I have no job, no money, no permanent home, credit ruined and feeling very very worthless.  My friend tells me these are the consequences for my behavior.  Last time I went into a spiral it was ten years of "Livin it up" and then I packed my bags and moved to Knoxville, now it was 4 months of so-called fun. My relapses get shorter and shorter, which I would say thank goodness, but when does it not happen? Throughout the partying and trying life without him, I felt so alone, scared, broken and feeling that I will NEVER get back to him.  At the time it seemed so fun and worth it.  In the end I felt worthless. 

        I was hiding, isolating and running.  I was running to a bottle of vodka.  I needed to run to the arms of the Lord.  But I wasn't ready.  When I got fired, I said to the Lord, "REALLY" I was so surprised I have never gotten fired ever in my life.  I loved working, maybe I worked too much and didn't involve him into any aspect of work. 

       Running, Running and more running I am running back into the arms of my father.  It sounds like it was a magical event but really I am struggling.  It is very humbling to be fired and living with a family (again).  These are my consequences from my actions, I GOT IT!  I still have no job and I am wondering where he is taking me now.  I am in a very uncomfortable place and feel anxious, not an excited anxious but more of a "get me out of this place" anxious.  Its hard to trust in Him for certain things that you  never trusted him with. 

       I am glad that I went to Chattanooga and sunk, some of you might say"WHAT"
I thought I had it "all together" and Boom! It dropped....We will see what happens but I am nervous, excited, anxious, sad, worried, and feel worthless all at the same time....Hes got me I know but its hard to trust that's for sure.