Do I have permission to be a mess with the Lord?

I have been on the journey with the Lord for many years, for the past two years I have been on an intimate journey with Him.  I have received healing in many areas, have many god stories to share and I have a great community.  You would ask why is she a mess?  Easy question for me to answer.  I have stuffed, shoved, buried and hidden "crap" from my past for too long.  I have never given myself the permission to simply be a mess.  I have strategically walked around, jumped over and ignored the pile of poop that I am hiding.  Two weekends ago the poop came.  It came fast, out loud and our there for everyone to see.  I had to sit in the mess, feel it, experience it and most of all talk about it.  I felt so much pain, trauma and hurt.  My prayer was for me for once to really really FEEL the pain and walk with the Lord in it.  Obviously some days I try to ignore it, keep stuffing and use my shovel and dig a bigger hole.  In this new season I am walking into I am no longer that Alexa.  He is bringing me out into the open.  I am a mess in the open.  How embarrassing.  I feel like I failed or I didn't follow the "steps" of Christianity, which I know is a lie.  The mess is uncomfortable and sometimes unbearable.  I know I am going to see freedom in all this (at least I have hope!), but today is a day where I cannot breathe.  I am tired of praying.  I don't think I am worthy of anything.

 I was in small group tonight (which I went kicking and screaming) and we were talking about healing and how we are His clay and He is the potter.  I want to stay on the spool and let Him work on me, I truly do.  I want Him to mold me into who He has called me to be.  I really do.  I feel as if He doesn't want to keep soaking me in His living water to keep me on the spool (which is a lie also).  You know when you see an artist with the clay on the wheel, and the clay starts flopping around everywhere and the artist has to gently grab and bring the clay back. 
I am flopping and He is bringing me back and shaping, gently.

I do have permission to be a mess with the Lord.  I am His clay.  I may be flopping but for once I am choosing to be messy.  He has me and I have Him.  He will keep working and molding.  I pray that I give myself the permission everyday to be messy and most of all willing to let Him work. 

Thanks for letting me share.