The waves are crashing on me, but I still stand strong

Most people say that the ocean reminds them of Grace.  Sometimes the ocean is quiet and soft, sometimes its almost a sweet ocean with smooth waves crashing, and then there are times when the ocean is raging. 
I was in Florida about a week ago.  I went to the beach as much as possible.  When I lived there I never took advantage of it.  I was determined that I would go everyday.  I made is almost everyday, it was great to sit by myself and process.  I laid out, read and played!  I went into the ocean several times.  The waves were big, loud and rough. It felt so good to be tossed and turned in the waves.  It was comfortable for me.  I wasn't scared or nervous I was just OK being tossed.  Then I got really tired being tossed around.  I needed to place my feet on the bottom of the ocean to get balance and grip to keep standing.  I had to figure out where I felt the most safe and being a little dangerous at the same time.  I finally found my footing.  Standing there I can see the raging waves slowing coming towards me.  I got a little nervous, I didn't want to loose my footing and balance.  A wave was coming I heard the roar, I looked the other way for just a second and I was under the wave, knocked off my feet under water flailing around underwater, couldn't breathe, not knowing how far I have gone from my "spot" of balance. 

I got out of the wave and surprisingly I was not too far from there I was.  I swam back to the spot and by that point after the craziness underwater mess happened, I was set on paying attention to the waves coming ahead.

Another wave came and I jumped as it hit me and I was back down.  Another one, then another one came, it was constant crashing and loosing a little balance but every time I got better and every time it got a little easier.  Never easy, never perfect but better and more enjoyable playing in the ocean.

You see, I am in this season of messy messy business.  Memories are being brought back, hurts that I pushed down, trauma that I will face but, healing and freedom will come.  He promised.

I have always given up, flaked out or blamed other people of why I can't do something.  I am in the season of getting well.  No blame, no flaking  out and no giving up.  It is comfortable for me to be tossed, turned and barely breathing.  It is not fun anymore.  I want to have my footing and keep my balance.  I got really tired and needing to GET REAL with the Lord and myself.  I have to keep watching when the enemy's waves are coming at me, sometimes I can see it from far away.  Then there are some days that I don't know they are coming.  God has my footing and balance.  I just have to trust and know that I am worth fighting for.  He is fighting for me and holding my waist when the waves come crashing on me or around me.  I am willing to have Him hold me, I am FINALLY willing with open hands to let Him do what He is best at, rescuing, leading and loving me well.

I pray not for comfort, not ease not even manageable.  I ask to be given a task that will keep me learning and growing and uncomfortable and hungry.  I pray to stay in the place of balance but prepared for the raging seas ahead.

HE"S GOT ME!!!