The old creeps up!

Old has Gone...New will come

Song of Songs 2:10-13

Get up, my dear friend (Alexa),  fair and beautiful lover—come to me! Look around you: Winter is over; the winter rains are over, gone! Spring flowers are in blossom all over. The whole world's a choir—and singing!Spring warblers are filling the forest  with sweet arpeggios.Lilacs are exuberantly purple and perfumed,    and cherry trees fragrant with blossoms.Oh, get up, dear friend,    my fair and beautiful lover—come to me!Come, my shy and modest dove—    leave your seclusion, come out in the open.Let me see your face, let me hear your voice.For your voice is soothing and your face is ravishing.

_________________________________________________________________
Why do we go back to the old? Old behaviors, old habits, old coping, old posture and old self.  When we fall back into the old self, something happens...Someone hurt us or we hurt someone.
When that happens we run to the old. It's more comfortable, known and familiar.
Tonight I ran to the old, I immediately turned into a bratty 14 year old who didn't get their way and shoved my feelings down to not feel.  If you can picture this....

That was happening to me on the inside and the person I was acting like that to would tell you I was acting like this on the outside too:(

Here is how it all started, like usual going back to the old looks a little like this.

Someone (very close to me) is doing something that makes me "feel" unwanted.

Then I feel insecure, then I try to rationalize whats about to happen when I throw a tantrum. Then the person asks, "you ok?" I say "Yup, i just don't want to talk about it" (famous stuffing our feelings line!)  Then I start slamming items around, huffing and puffing..My goal is to make it very obvious that I am upset. When I am finished making my so-called point.

Then the best part comes up..I act like nothing happened.  So I kind of look like this...Still a baby (old self)

I get really uncomfortable with the tension and arguing, so I move on. Did you see where the old self came out and why?  It slowly creeps up on  you them BAM, you are throwing a tantrum. 

Ephesians 4:22-24
“You were taught, with regard to your former way of life, to put off your old self, which is being corrupted by its deceitful desires; to be made new in the attitude of your minds; and to put the new self, created to be like God in true righteousness and holiness."


Let what is dead BE dead.-See what the Lord can do.!!!
How do we walk it out with out the tantrum and keep learning?  I don't have the answer but I do know that he invited me into a season of new.  The verse from the beginning is the verse that I am soaking in.  Tonight, after my tantrum, I had to run to him.
 I was so sad, mad and just wanted to cry.  He gave me the second sentence...
"Look around you: Winter is over; the winter rains are over, gone! Spring flowers are in blossom all over."
What a sweet word from the Lord.  THE WINTER IS OVER (the old is gone) the winter rains (old behaviors) are over, gone! Spring flowers (new self) are in blossom all over.


This is where I desire ....in His presence, free and NEW!







Lord, I pray that my new self busts out the seams.  Lord, give me a new posture, new eyes to see myself and a new way of communication. I don't want to hurt the closest people around me, that's not my heart.  I hate that i acted like that tonight.  I don't want to be that old self.  I don't want to have the posture of a bratty child.  I am deeply wanting to take criticism from the person who really loves me and make myself better.  I deeply love relationships and have the desire to be transparent.  I desire to be the Wife that has a real and loving marriage.   The wife that listens, is patient, is kind, is loving and respects her husband.  I want less tantrums and more communication. Amen


By the way the person I threw the tantrum to, has a ton of grace for me and he is forgiving! Thank goodness!

Jesus, calls us to a new creation...I am accepting the invite.  Will you?

He Wants Only Our Heart

Song of Solomon 2:10-14

Get up, my dear friend,    fair and beautiful lover—come to me!Look around you: Winter is over;    the winter rains are over, gone!Spring flowers are in blossom all over.    The whole world's a choir—and singing!Spring warblers are filling the forest    with sweet arpeggios.Lilacs are exuberantly purple and perfumed,    and cherry trees fragrant with blossoms.Oh, get up, dear friend,    my fair and beautiful lover—come to me!Come, my shy and modest dove—    leave your seclusion, come out in the open.Let me see your face,    let me hear your voice.For your voice is soothing    and your face is ravishing

Two years ago on Valentines Day gave me this passage.  It was after my abortion retreat, I was blown away.  I didn't really understand what it all meant, but I knew one day He would show me.  

I was at church last Sunday listening to John Wood and his teaching.  I look down and the card that this passage was in my bible!  I asked the Lord, "okay, what does this mean NOW?"

A little background:

This past couple weeks have been challenging.  A lot of change happening.  The Lord blew up a lot of what was comfortable to me, He took me out of certain parts of my life that I thought would be forever.  I was happy where I was, I was comfortable, I was content, but I wasn't where He wanted me.  Situations happened so quickly and wowza I was done with the season of comfort!  I kept asking and telling Him, what do I do now?  Where do I go?  Am I still a part of something? I don't think I can trust you now, I am NOT happy about this!

By the way He LOVES hearing your REAL heart, your real cries and your real frustrations.

So back to me at church!  I was reading the passage again, thinking to myself "why am I reading this."  He told me to only read the first sentence.

"Get up, my dear friend,    fair and beautiful lover—come to me!"

He just wants ME.  He has always just wanted my heart.  He will take care of all my concerns, dreams and hurts.  But for today He only wants my heart.  

He only wants your heart.

I think we complicate things too fast.  Simplify to one thought "HE ONLY WANTS OUR HEART"  The rest He will take care of.

He only wants me to run to him and focus on one thing-HIM, don't read on, don't skip pages, don't over analyze the passage and don't try to run in front of me.

The dreams and wants are on His timeline.  Of course, have the desires, but I will tell you when you trust and wait His timing is always better than ours.

Excited for the change and I will trust Him.

Mighty to Save

He is mighty to save.  Period no if ands or buts!  Jesus shine your light and let the whole world see.  Our savior can move mountains and rescue women who have had abortions.  


He loves the redemption story..HE MADE IT:) 
I got a phone call today my friend told her about her friend wanting to get an abortion.  Of course, broke my heart.  I immediately thought I have to talk with her, I need to tell her my story, I need to do something.  Notice all the I's and that I  think I am the important that I  need to tell her something.  Yes, there is a part of it, that the Lord will use me for many women, BUT  maybe that's not today, maybe I am just supposed to pray for her.  Love her from afar.  What was I thinking? He is So BIG, he can do anything, he moves mountains, he heals and restores long before I came!  What makes me think that I am the rescuer! Yes, He uses my story.  I am not the only one that someone with an abortion or women that want one that they can talk to.  He provides many avenues for Him to get the young girls attention and to love her.  I have to trust that the Lord will take care of her and I DO!  


Praying for safety and her to feel the Love of Jesus.  I pray she feels the security with Jesus and the people around her to love her well, and all I can really ask for is for her to see, hear and taste Jesus like she never has before.


 If God hadn't been for us —all together now, Israel, sing out!— 
   If God hadn't been for us when everyone went against us,    We would have been swallowed alive by their violent anger,  Swept away by the flood of rage,  drowned in the torrent;    We would have lost our lives  in the wild, raging water.  Oh, blessed be God!   He didn't go off and leave us. He didn't abandon us defenseless, helpless as a rabbit in a pack of snarling dogs. 
 We've flown free from their fangs, free of their traps, free as a bird. Their grip is broken;       we're free as a bird in flight. 
  God's strong name is our help, the same God who made heaven and earth

Did God really say?

Running, listening, searching...wanting to be safe.  I feel safe today more than I have in a while.  I am "busy", tired and afraid.  I am in a season, a season to rest in him, a season to KNOW that He's got me, a season that I am His princess.  I keep hearing adventure, but I don't see the adventure yet, I see some heartache and pain.  But He promises Joy after pain.  Do I really believe that?  Did God really say?  Did He really say, He won't leave me or forsake me?  Did He really say he won't abandon me?  Did He really redeem me?  Did He really call me a new name?

Did God Really SAY?

Isaiah 43

When You're Between a Rock and a Hard Place

 ^1-4 But now, God's Message, the God who made you in the first place, Jacob,
   the One who got you started, Israel:
"Don't be afraid, I've redeemed you.
   I've called your name. You're mine.
When you're in over your head, I'll be there with you.
   When you're in rough waters, you will not go down.
When you're between a rock and a hard place,
   it won't be a dead end—
Because I am God, your personal God,
   The Holy of Israel, your Savior.
I paid a huge price for you:
   all of Egypt, with rich Cush and Seba thrown in!
That's how much you mean to me!
   That's how much I love you!
I'd sell off the whole world to get you back,
   trade the creation just for you. ^5-7"So don't be afraid: I'm with you.
   I'll round up all your scattered children,
   pull them in from east and west.
I'll send orders north and south:
   'Send them back.
Return my sons from distant lands,
   my daughters from faraway places.
I want them back, every last one who bears my name,
   every man, woman, and child
Whom I created for my glory,
   yes, personally formed and made each one.'"
 ^8-13Get the blind and deaf out here and ready—
   the blind (though there's nothing wrong with their eyes)
   and the deaf (though there's nothing wrong with their ears).
Then get the other nations out here and ready.
   Let's see what they have to say about this,
   how they account for what's happened.
Let them present their expert witnesses
   and make their case;
   let them try to convince us what they say is true.
"But you are my witnesses." God's Decree.
   "You're my handpicked servant
So that you'll come to know and trust me,
   understand both that I am and who I am.
Previous to me there was no such thing as a god,
   nor will there be after me.
I, yes I, am God.
   I'm the only Savior there is.
I spoke, I saved, I told you what existed
   long before these upstart gods appeared on the scene.
And you know it, you're my witnesses,
   you're the evidence." God's Decree.
"Yes, I am God.
   I've always been God
   and I always will be God.
No one can take anything from me.
   I make; who can unmake it?"

YES HE DID!!!!!!! AMEN

A gift, a sacrifice, a friend and a sister

Today was a day I will never forget. I received a gift from my sister and friend today.  It was special, more special than anyone can imagine.  She listened to the Lord, she was obedient and faithful.  He asked her to make something for me and she obeyed.  Not only did she listened it was a two person job.  Her husband used his sweet hands and heart to make this gift with her. 


For the past month I have been back and forth with the Lord with questions about my abortions.  What did my kids say when they saw you for the first time?  Were they scared when the procedure was happening?  Did they ask about me?  Were you there?   I am a curious, worried and hopeful mother wondering what was happening in their little minds.  Another question that is brewing around me is, I have been asked to be in 2 delivery rooms with my friends to be with them and watch the miracle happen.  Not just hear say but right there in the moment.
This season of questions has brought me closer to the Lord but also comes with many emotions and thoughts.  I call Satan Shamu, when Shamu kills and destroys his trainer (or another animal) he watches, waits and then pounces on his prey.  He grabs them by the body and destroys the person.  He places them where he wants them and torments them.  I am trying to have you understand where I have been for this season.  Tormented, letting Shamu take control in secret places of my heart.

I was processing all the emotions today and trying to see what He was trying to tell me. 

I received a sweet revelation, I was not able to give birth to my kids, I was asked a year ago to be in the room for one of my friends, and now one of my close friends asked me to be in the room for her baby in June.  He is giving me a gift of a lifetime.  I am able to experience 2 births. I get to watch,  hold her hand, see a miracle happen.
Today Shamu was taken out by my mighty Dad!
I was given a gift from Him that I am forever changed.  I rejoiced with my kids and Kelly's kids today.  I danced, laughed and got backup.  My kids are with me, they are in that nest, watching, rejoicing and defiantly dancing with our Father.  I am overwhelmed by the gift and kiss from the Lord.  I am taken back by Kelly's gift that she sacrificed time and energy to faithfully finish this.  I am overjoyed by Adam, the Good Pastor helping his wife in a place she needed help.  I am a lucky girl!

What a mighty God we have, what a redemption story He loves to tell. 

The only way to Freedom is through submission and the only way to victory is through surrender!!

AMEN