Exposed!

Ok, so I am going to get real exposed!!

Do you ever have the feeling of being completely naked in front of 180,000 people?  I say 180,000 people because, today I feel like I am in the center of the Volunteer Football Stadium butt naked and everyone is starting at me!  All my pain and suffering is exposed for all to see. The amusing thing is I have been alone 90% of the day!!!

The feeling didn't start completely naked, first I was in the middle of the field shielded but my protector, then as I got deeper into my wounds today, I was bare for all to see.  My protector was there but I didn't know it.  I know He (Jesus) was covering me in His way, but I felt he was in the stands watching with everyone else and NOT protecting me.

For some odd reason, things from my past are NOT healed!!  WHO KNEW:)

For years, I was abandoned, alone and afraid.  My heart and soul were so empty.  I was lost in a crazy world of drugs, drinking and sex.  When I moved I thought that I would be much better.  Little did I know that this road is HARD!  I wish someone would have told me, well, I take that back-Kelly told me it was a hard road, but I didn't believe her.

First part of my healing was my abortions.  I did "what I was supposed to do" with receiving healing on that end of my heart.  BUT, there is so much more pain and suffering behind my eyes.  I have been in counseling for years now and my counselor  now calls my crap "Alexa's bag of bullshit."  Amusing huh?
It is a bag of bullshit, its a big bag, a heavy bag and I have loved it being there for many years.

Let me tell you a little about my "bag of bullshit"- Fear of people in my life leaving me, fear of being neglected, fear of being married, fear of being a horrible wife, fear of cheating on my husband, fear of not being a good friend, fear of not really "knowing" Jesus, fear of not being a good mother, fear of getting fat, fear of not succeeding in my business, fear of failing in all places in my life, afraid to love people because I don't want to get hurt, fear of not being loved, fear of never being healed,  fear of no one liking who I really am and fear of people knowing the Real ME.

The list can go on and on...But as I am "doing life" trying so hard to be someone people like and will love, it's exhausting.

The real Alexa is, Broken, lost, lonely sometimes, really sensitive, I cry a lot, really funny, a BIG dork, very affectionate, really loves people, really loves post abortive women, adores kids, loves her boyfriend, loves the friends she has, deeply loves her family, loves acting, loves singing, I laugh A LOT, I dance funny to make people laugh, I'm in LOVE with Jesus, and I AM REDEEMED. (I pray that I believe all of this soon)

All these fears the Lord will take care of, I just keep trusting that He will stay by my side when its uncomfortable.  He has taught me to remain in His arms.  He is teaching me peace and rest.
Rest in the anxiety
Have peace that the Lord will heal me.
Rest in the most uncomfortable days.
Peace in the changing.

This is the most uncomfortable year I have had in a long time.  Really, the most uncomfortable couple days ever!  If you are uncomfortable, SIT, PRAY, SEEK.

Lord,
This season is not fun, its uncomfortable, high anxiety and painful.  The world is seeing the messy mess I am.  I pray that you teach me to stay calm.  I pray that you teach me to be at rest in your arms, no one else's.  Take all my fears and heal.  I pray for those who are around me going through this kind of healing to break free with me!  I just want to know you more lord.

Amen

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=N0B2ybZpDeM

Listen and REST.


Alexa:))

Joy

The Lord is bringing me through the Fruits of the Spirits..Its pretty fun for Him and I.  The first one He started with is Joy.

What is real Joy?  What does it mean to be joyful?
In the dictionary joy means: 1. Intense and especially ecstatic or exultant happiness, 2. The expression or manifestation of such feeling.
What does that look like for the broken world to see all believers be joyful?

I didn't really "get" how to be joyful, even in the mess and dark or life...

I was watching the Duggers reality show, the mom was pregnant.  They were all so excited about the new little one joining their family.  They all chose a name together as a family, they grew closer through the process of coming together and being joyful about the new addition to the family.
Mom was getting to find out the sex of the baby at the next appointment.  Mom and Dad got to the doctors office, while all the other kids were so pumped and anxiously waiting to know the sex of the new baby.

Mom and Dad get to the doctors office, the ultrasound tech was all ready...Mom and Dad were all smiles, the ultrasound tech had the panic look on her face, then the words no parent wants to hear are "there is not heartbeat."

My heart sunk....

The change in their faces was too hard to watch, the pain you feel with them, even though you don't "know" them, you are weeping with them.

Mom simply said with so much love, peace and mercy.."the Lord Giveth and the Lord Taketh away...Blessed be the name of the Lord."

I was BLOWN away...

Then Mom asked Dad to pray....They both prayed with such heartache, confusion, pain but most importantly, JOY.

She said "I am joyful I was able to hold her in my belly for the amount of time i did, she brought so much joy already into our family"

WOW...I was thinking the whole time (as she was speaking truth, love and joy to America) I don't think I would handle this the way she did, I was almost mad for her....

What a good example she displayed, so much grace and love.  So much Joy she showed the world.

Everyone has their story, their pain, their joy but how do we handle it in the moment.  Are we joyful? Do we trust in?  Do we walk around covered in our mess so everyone can see our pity party?

I know I want to be FULL OF JOY, like Mrs. Dugger.


Lord fill us with joy, teach us how to be joyful, teach us how to love with joy...

Winter is Over

Song of Songs 2:10-13

Get up, my dear friend (Alexa),  fair and beautiful lover—come to me! Look around you: Winter is over; the winter rains are over, gone! Spring flowers are in blossom all over. The whole world's a choir—and singing!Spring warblers are filling the forest  with sweet arpeggios.Lilacs are exuberantly purple and perfumed,    and cherry trees fragrant with blossoms.Oh, get up, dear friend,    my fair and beautiful lover—come to me!Come, my shy and modest dove—    leave your seclusion, come out in the open.Let me see your face, let me hear your voice.For your voice is soothing and your face is ravishing.

The winter is gone, something is going to bloom very very soon!  I can feel the anticipation.  I can feel the chains being broken.  I can taste joy and victory.

When the Lord is breaking you free of something, it hurts like hell, but it is worth every bit of it.

I have been in a season of learning.  Season of hurting.  Season of new birth.

I am in the process of something!  I don't know what it is, the lord has promised me more....I WANT IT...Its for the taking!  

He promised me more of Him, more of my new life and more adventure.

New things are happening for me, I cannot wait to see where I am going.  But I AM READY:))

Fear

John 14

The Road

 ^1-4 "Don't let this throw you. You trust God, don't you? Trust me. There is plenty of room for you in my Father's home. If that weren't so, would I have told you that I'm on my way to get a room ready for you? And if I'm on my way to get your room ready, I'll come back and get you so you can live where I live. And you already know the road I'm taking."

 ⁵Thomas said, "Master, we have no idea where you're going. How do you expect us to know the road?"

 ^6-7Jesus said, "I am the Road, also the Truth, also the Life. No one gets to the Father apart from me. If you really knew me, you would know my Father as well. From now on, you do know him. You've even seen him!"

 ⁸Philip said, "Master, show us the Father; then we'll be content."

 ^9-10"You've been with me all this time, Philip, and you still don't understand? To see me is to see the Father. So how can you ask, 'Where is the Father?' Don't you believe that I am in the Father and the Father is in me? The words that I speak to you aren't mere words. I don't just make them up on my own. The Father who resides in me crafts each word into a divine act.

 ^11-14"Believe me: I am in my Father and my Father is in me. If you can't believe that, believe what you see—these works. The person who trusts me will not only do what I'm doing but even greater things, because I, on my way to the Father, am giving you the same work to do that I've been doing. You can count on it. From now on, whatever you request along the lines of who I am and what I am doing, I'll do it. That's how the Father will be seen for who he is in the Son. I mean it. Whatever you request in this way, I'll do.

The Spirit of Truth

^15-17"If you love me, show it by doing what I've told you. I will talk to the Father, and he'll provide you another Friend so that you will always have someone with you. This Friend is the Spirit of Truth. The godless world can't take him in because it doesn't have eyes to see him, doesn't know what to look for. But you know him already because he has been staying with you, and will even be in you!

 ^18-20"I will not leave you orphaned. I'm coming back. In just a little while the world will no longer see me, but you're going to see me because I am alive and you're about to come alive. At that moment you will know absolutely that I'm in my Father, and you're in me, and I'm in you.

 ²¹"The person who knows my commandments and keeps them, that's who loves me. And the person who loves me will be loved by my Father, and I will love him and make myself plain to him."

 ²²Judas (not Iscariot) said, "Master, why is it that you are about to make yourself plain to us but not to the world?"

 ^23-24"Because a loveless world," said Jesus, "is a sightless world. If anyone loves me, he will carefully keep my word and my Father will love him—we'll move right into the neighborhood! Not loving me means not keeping my words. The message you are hearing isn't mine. It's the message of the Father who sent me.

 ^25-27"I'm telling you these things while I'm still living with you. The Friend, the Holy Spirit whom the Father will send at my request, will make everything plain to you. He will remind you of all the things I have told you. I'm leaving you well and whole. That's my parting gift to you. Peace. I don't leave you the way you're used to being left—feeling abandoned, bereft. So don't be upset. Don't be distraught.

 ²⁸"You've heard me tell you, 'I'm going away, and I'm coming back.' If you loved me, you would be glad that I'm on my way to the Father because the Father is the goal and purpose of my life.

 ^29-31"I've told you this ahead of time, before it happens, so that when it does happen, the confirmation will deepen your belief in me. I'll not be talking with you much more like this because the chief of this godless world is about to attack. But don't worry—he has nothing on me, no claim on me. But so the world might know how thoroughly I love the Father, I am carrying out my Father's instructions right down to the last detail.

   "Get up. Let's go. It's time to leave here."

What a sweet story!  God is with us, He is not leaving.  Even when we walk blindly into situations He knows the outcome before we do.  He will not leave you, He is coming back.  He is ALIVE and we are ALIVE.

The old creeps up!

Old has Gone...New will come

Song of Songs 2:10-13

Get up, my dear friend (Alexa),  fair and beautiful lover—come to me! Look around you: Winter is over; the winter rains are over, gone! Spring flowers are in blossom all over. The whole world's a choir—and singing!Spring warblers are filling the forest  with sweet arpeggios.Lilacs are exuberantly purple and perfumed,    and cherry trees fragrant with blossoms.Oh, get up, dear friend,    my fair and beautiful lover—come to me!Come, my shy and modest dove—    leave your seclusion, come out in the open.Let me see your face, let me hear your voice.For your voice is soothing and your face is ravishing.

_________________________________________________________________
Why do we go back to the old? Old behaviors, old habits, old coping, old posture and old self.  When we fall back into the old self, something happens...Someone hurt us or we hurt someone.
When that happens we run to the old. It's more comfortable, known and familiar.
Tonight I ran to the old, I immediately turned into a bratty 14 year old who didn't get their way and shoved my feelings down to not feel.  If you can picture this....

That was happening to me on the inside and the person I was acting like that to would tell you I was acting like this on the outside too:(

Here is how it all started, like usual going back to the old looks a little like this.

Someone (very close to me) is doing something that makes me "feel" unwanted.

Then I feel insecure, then I try to rationalize whats about to happen when I throw a tantrum. Then the person asks, "you ok?" I say "Yup, i just don't want to talk about it" (famous stuffing our feelings line!)  Then I start slamming items around, huffing and puffing..My goal is to make it very obvious that I am upset. When I am finished making my so-called point.

Then the best part comes up..I act like nothing happened.  So I kind of look like this...Still a baby (old self)

I get really uncomfortable with the tension and arguing, so I move on. Did you see where the old self came out and why?  It slowly creeps up on  you them BAM, you are throwing a tantrum. 

Ephesians 4:22-24
“You were taught, with regard to your former way of life, to put off your old self, which is being corrupted by its deceitful desires; to be made new in the attitude of your minds; and to put the new self, created to be like God in true righteousness and holiness."


Let what is dead BE dead.-See what the Lord can do.!!!
How do we walk it out with out the tantrum and keep learning?  I don't have the answer but I do know that he invited me into a season of new.  The verse from the beginning is the verse that I am soaking in.  Tonight, after my tantrum, I had to run to him.
 I was so sad, mad and just wanted to cry.  He gave me the second sentence...
"Look around you: Winter is over; the winter rains are over, gone! Spring flowers are in blossom all over."
What a sweet word from the Lord.  THE WINTER IS OVER (the old is gone) the winter rains (old behaviors) are over, gone! Spring flowers (new self) are in blossom all over.


This is where I desire ....in His presence, free and NEW!







Lord, I pray that my new self busts out the seams.  Lord, give me a new posture, new eyes to see myself and a new way of communication. I don't want to hurt the closest people around me, that's not my heart.  I hate that i acted like that tonight.  I don't want to be that old self.  I don't want to have the posture of a bratty child.  I am deeply wanting to take criticism from the person who really loves me and make myself better.  I deeply love relationships and have the desire to be transparent.  I desire to be the Wife that has a real and loving marriage.   The wife that listens, is patient, is kind, is loving and respects her husband.  I want less tantrums and more communication. Amen


By the way the person I threw the tantrum to, has a ton of grace for me and he is forgiving! Thank goodness!

Jesus, calls us to a new creation...I am accepting the invite.  Will you?

He Wants Only Our Heart

Song of Solomon 2:10-14

Get up, my dear friend,    fair and beautiful lover—come to me!Look around you: Winter is over;    the winter rains are over, gone!Spring flowers are in blossom all over.    The whole world's a choir—and singing!Spring warblers are filling the forest    with sweet arpeggios.Lilacs are exuberantly purple and perfumed,    and cherry trees fragrant with blossoms.Oh, get up, dear friend,    my fair and beautiful lover—come to me!Come, my shy and modest dove—    leave your seclusion, come out in the open.Let me see your face,    let me hear your voice.For your voice is soothing    and your face is ravishing

Two years ago on Valentines Day gave me this passage.  It was after my abortion retreat, I was blown away.  I didn't really understand what it all meant, but I knew one day He would show me.  

I was at church last Sunday listening to John Wood and his teaching.  I look down and the card that this passage was in my bible!  I asked the Lord, "okay, what does this mean NOW?"

A little background:

This past couple weeks have been challenging.  A lot of change happening.  The Lord blew up a lot of what was comfortable to me, He took me out of certain parts of my life that I thought would be forever.  I was happy where I was, I was comfortable, I was content, but I wasn't where He wanted me.  Situations happened so quickly and wowza I was done with the season of comfort!  I kept asking and telling Him, what do I do now?  Where do I go?  Am I still a part of something? I don't think I can trust you now, I am NOT happy about this!

By the way He LOVES hearing your REAL heart, your real cries and your real frustrations.

So back to me at church!  I was reading the passage again, thinking to myself "why am I reading this."  He told me to only read the first sentence.

"Get up, my dear friend,    fair and beautiful lover—come to me!"

He just wants ME.  He has always just wanted my heart.  He will take care of all my concerns, dreams and hurts.  But for today He only wants my heart.  

He only wants your heart.

I think we complicate things too fast.  Simplify to one thought "HE ONLY WANTS OUR HEART"  The rest He will take care of.

He only wants me to run to him and focus on one thing-HIM, don't read on, don't skip pages, don't over analyze the passage and don't try to run in front of me.

The dreams and wants are on His timeline.  Of course, have the desires, but I will tell you when you trust and wait His timing is always better than ours.

Excited for the change and I will trust Him.

Mighty to Save

He is mighty to save.  Period no if ands or buts!  Jesus shine your light and let the whole world see.  Our savior can move mountains and rescue women who have had abortions.  


He loves the redemption story..HE MADE IT:) 
I got a phone call today my friend told her about her friend wanting to get an abortion.  Of course, broke my heart.  I immediately thought I have to talk with her, I need to tell her my story, I need to do something.  Notice all the I's and that I  think I am the important that I  need to tell her something.  Yes, there is a part of it, that the Lord will use me for many women, BUT  maybe that's not today, maybe I am just supposed to pray for her.  Love her from afar.  What was I thinking? He is So BIG, he can do anything, he moves mountains, he heals and restores long before I came!  What makes me think that I am the rescuer! Yes, He uses my story.  I am not the only one that someone with an abortion or women that want one that they can talk to.  He provides many avenues for Him to get the young girls attention and to love her.  I have to trust that the Lord will take care of her and I DO!  


Praying for safety and her to feel the Love of Jesus.  I pray she feels the security with Jesus and the people around her to love her well, and all I can really ask for is for her to see, hear and taste Jesus like she never has before.


 If God hadn't been for us —all together now, Israel, sing out!— 
   If God hadn't been for us when everyone went against us,    We would have been swallowed alive by their violent anger,  Swept away by the flood of rage,  drowned in the torrent;    We would have lost our lives  in the wild, raging water.  Oh, blessed be God!   He didn't go off and leave us. He didn't abandon us defenseless, helpless as a rabbit in a pack of snarling dogs. 
 We've flown free from their fangs, free of their traps, free as a bird. Their grip is broken;       we're free as a bird in flight. 
  God's strong name is our help, the same God who made heaven and earth

Did God really say?

Running, listening, searching...wanting to be safe.  I feel safe today more than I have in a while.  I am "busy", tired and afraid.  I am in a season, a season to rest in him, a season to KNOW that He's got me, a season that I am His princess.  I keep hearing adventure, but I don't see the adventure yet, I see some heartache and pain.  But He promises Joy after pain.  Do I really believe that?  Did God really say?  Did He really say, He won't leave me or forsake me?  Did He really say he won't abandon me?  Did He really redeem me?  Did He really call me a new name?

Did God Really SAY?

Isaiah 43

When You're Between a Rock and a Hard Place

 ^1-4 But now, God's Message, the God who made you in the first place, Jacob,
   the One who got you started, Israel:
"Don't be afraid, I've redeemed you.
   I've called your name. You're mine.
When you're in over your head, I'll be there with you.
   When you're in rough waters, you will not go down.
When you're between a rock and a hard place,
   it won't be a dead end—
Because I am God, your personal God,
   The Holy of Israel, your Savior.
I paid a huge price for you:
   all of Egypt, with rich Cush and Seba thrown in!
That's how much you mean to me!
   That's how much I love you!
I'd sell off the whole world to get you back,
   trade the creation just for you. ^5-7"So don't be afraid: I'm with you.
   I'll round up all your scattered children,
   pull them in from east and west.
I'll send orders north and south:
   'Send them back.
Return my sons from distant lands,
   my daughters from faraway places.
I want them back, every last one who bears my name,
   every man, woman, and child
Whom I created for my glory,
   yes, personally formed and made each one.'"
 ^8-13Get the blind and deaf out here and ready—
   the blind (though there's nothing wrong with their eyes)
   and the deaf (though there's nothing wrong with their ears).
Then get the other nations out here and ready.
   Let's see what they have to say about this,
   how they account for what's happened.
Let them present their expert witnesses
   and make their case;
   let them try to convince us what they say is true.
"But you are my witnesses." God's Decree.
   "You're my handpicked servant
So that you'll come to know and trust me,
   understand both that I am and who I am.
Previous to me there was no such thing as a god,
   nor will there be after me.
I, yes I, am God.
   I'm the only Savior there is.
I spoke, I saved, I told you what existed
   long before these upstart gods appeared on the scene.
And you know it, you're my witnesses,
   you're the evidence." God's Decree.
"Yes, I am God.
   I've always been God
   and I always will be God.
No one can take anything from me.
   I make; who can unmake it?"

YES HE DID!!!!!!! AMEN

A gift, a sacrifice, a friend and a sister

Today was a day I will never forget. I received a gift from my sister and friend today.  It was special, more special than anyone can imagine.  She listened to the Lord, she was obedient and faithful.  He asked her to make something for me and she obeyed.  Not only did she listened it was a two person job.  Her husband used his sweet hands and heart to make this gift with her. 


For the past month I have been back and forth with the Lord with questions about my abortions.  What did my kids say when they saw you for the first time?  Were they scared when the procedure was happening?  Did they ask about me?  Were you there?   I am a curious, worried and hopeful mother wondering what was happening in their little minds.  Another question that is brewing around me is, I have been asked to be in 2 delivery rooms with my friends to be with them and watch the miracle happen.  Not just hear say but right there in the moment.
This season of questions has brought me closer to the Lord but also comes with many emotions and thoughts.  I call Satan Shamu, when Shamu kills and destroys his trainer (or another animal) he watches, waits and then pounces on his prey.  He grabs them by the body and destroys the person.  He places them where he wants them and torments them.  I am trying to have you understand where I have been for this season.  Tormented, letting Shamu take control in secret places of my heart.

I was processing all the emotions today and trying to see what He was trying to tell me. 

I received a sweet revelation, I was not able to give birth to my kids, I was asked a year ago to be in the room for one of my friends, and now one of my close friends asked me to be in the room for her baby in June.  He is giving me a gift of a lifetime.  I am able to experience 2 births. I get to watch,  hold her hand, see a miracle happen.
Today Shamu was taken out by my mighty Dad!
I was given a gift from Him that I am forever changed.  I rejoiced with my kids and Kelly's kids today.  I danced, laughed and got backup.  My kids are with me, they are in that nest, watching, rejoicing and defiantly dancing with our Father.  I am overwhelmed by the gift and kiss from the Lord.  I am taken back by Kelly's gift that she sacrificed time and energy to faithfully finish this.  I am overjoyed by Adam, the Good Pastor helping his wife in a place she needed help.  I am a lucky girl!

What a mighty God we have, what a redemption story He loves to tell. 

The only way to Freedom is through submission and the only way to victory is through surrender!!

AMEN

In the Potters Hands

My questions to my Potter today

Why have you made me like this?
Do you like what you made?
What are your favortie parts about what you made?

I hate asking these questions, I feel disconnected to him, far away, "busy" and afraid to mess up.
Honestly, I am not that important to mess up his creation, but what is to love about a messy messy mess?

"In Better Hands"

It's hard to stand
On shifting sand
It's hard to shine
In the shadows of the night
You can't be free
If you don't reach for help
And you can't love
If you don't love yourself
But there is hope when my faith runs out...
Cuz I'm in better hands now

[Chorus:]
It's like the sun is shining
When the rain is pourin' down
It's like my soul is flying
Though my feet are on the ground
So take this heart of mine
There's no doubt
I'm in better hands now

I am strong
All because of you
I stand in awe of
Every mountain that you move
I am changed
Yesterday is gone
I am safe
From this moment on...
And there's no fear when the night comes 'round
I'm in better hands now

[Chorus]

It's like the sun is shining
When the rain is pourin' down
It's like my soul is flying
Though my feet are on the ground
It's like the world is silent
Though I know it isn't true
It's like the breath of Jesus
Is right here in this room
So take this heart of mine
There's no doubt

You can't be saved
If you're not reaching out for help

Set Up

Still trying to stand in the waves and feel the Lord's presence.  I have been "busy" really too busy.  I am planning the Fundraiser for Women Getting Real, Writing for Sweetly Broken Retreat, work and just doing life.  I went to Abiding Glory tonight to meet Jana to look at the space for the event.  I walked in and there were people walking around and waiting for something special (I felt they were!).  As I walked around scoping the place out (by the way if you are going to the Fundraiser it is an amazing place), I felt my heart calm down and my soul felt at ease.  I didn't know what it was until, they started worship.
  I was there to map out, get ideas and work on the event.  Well, I thought I was.  The Lord had a different thought in mind.  They sang with so much heart and passion.  The people started coming up to sing, dance and praise the Lord.  It was freeing to just watch so many different people worshiping in their own way.  I sat watching.  I was in awe of the freedom in that place. 
I am a dancer and a mover when it comes to worshiping, but I have never seen so much heart in worshiping.
I still sat down, my legs didn't move.  I was stuck to close my eyes and listen. 
In that moment part of my heart changed.  I am in a rut, almost like Jonah in the Whale.  Smelly, gross, mushy and dark. 
At that moment everything looked different.  It was a supernatural experience.  On the outside looking at me you wouldn't see anything different.  But on the inside, I was in awe.  I saw light, a new journey and a different God.
I heard Him speak (which has been a while!), I have courage, strength and passion.  There is a new way for me, out of the Whale and into the land to shine.  I am refreshed, loved and more vision on where we are going.   I was set up to see light. I was set up for transformation. I was set up with my father to love on me.  I was set up to soak. I was set up for more freedom.

I was set up for more walls to fall.

Thank You Lord, thank you.

Retreat!!!

 Sweetly Broken Testimony- Video Link to me and Lord's Journey

Sweetly Broken Retreats are announced

March & November

I will keep you posted on exact dates, if you are considering on going and are wanting to ask questions, please email me

alexastephenson11@gmail.com

Move

I pray that I sing this everyday!

Sing along and Dance.

Move-Click for  Video and song

I'm not about to give up
Because I heard you say
There's gonna be brighter days
There's gonna be brighter days
I wont stop, I'll keep my head up
No, I'm not here to stay
There's gonna be brighter days
There's gonna be brighter days

I just might bend but wont break
As long as I can see your face

When life wont play along
And right keeps going wrong
And I cant seem to find my way
I know where I am found
So I wont let it drag me down
Oh, I'll keep dancing anyway

I'm gonna move (move)
I'm gonna move (move)
I'm gonna move [gonna move]

Ive got to hold it steady
Keep my head in the game
Everything is about to change
Everything is about to change

This burdens getting heavy
But I'm not about to cave
Everything's about to change
There's gonna be brighter days

I just might bend but wont break
As long as I can see your face

When life wont play along
And right keeps going wrong
And I cant seem to find my way
I know where I am found
So I wont let it drag me down
Oh, I'll keep dancing anyway

No matter what may come
Gotta move to a different drum
No matter what life brings
Gotta move gotta move to a different beat
Gotta move gotta move to a different beat

I just might bend but I won't break
As long as I can see your face

When life wont play along
And right keeps going wrong
And I cant seem to find my way
I know where I am found
So I wont let it drag me down
Oh, I'll keep dancing anyway

When life wont play along
And right keeps going wrong
And I cant seem to find my way
I know where I am found
So I wont let it drag me down
Oh, I'll keep dancing anyway

When life wont play along
And right keeps going wrong
And I cant seem to find my way
I know where I am found
So I wont let it drag me down
Oh, I'll keep dancing anyway

Gonna move [Gonna move] ....

The waves are crashing on me, but I still stand strong

Most people say that the ocean reminds them of Grace.  Sometimes the ocean is quiet and soft, sometimes its almost a sweet ocean with smooth waves crashing, and then there are times when the ocean is raging. 
I was in Florida about a week ago.  I went to the beach as much as possible.  When I lived there I never took advantage of it.  I was determined that I would go everyday.  I made is almost everyday, it was great to sit by myself and process.  I laid out, read and played!  I went into the ocean several times.  The waves were big, loud and rough. It felt so good to be tossed and turned in the waves.  It was comfortable for me.  I wasn't scared or nervous I was just OK being tossed.  Then I got really tired being tossed around.  I needed to place my feet on the bottom of the ocean to get balance and grip to keep standing.  I had to figure out where I felt the most safe and being a little dangerous at the same time.  I finally found my footing.  Standing there I can see the raging waves slowing coming towards me.  I got a little nervous, I didn't want to loose my footing and balance.  A wave was coming I heard the roar, I looked the other way for just a second and I was under the wave, knocked off my feet under water flailing around underwater, couldn't breathe, not knowing how far I have gone from my "spot" of balance. 

I got out of the wave and surprisingly I was not too far from there I was.  I swam back to the spot and by that point after the craziness underwater mess happened, I was set on paying attention to the waves coming ahead.

Another wave came and I jumped as it hit me and I was back down.  Another one, then another one came, it was constant crashing and loosing a little balance but every time I got better and every time it got a little easier.  Never easy, never perfect but better and more enjoyable playing in the ocean.

You see, I am in this season of messy messy business.  Memories are being brought back, hurts that I pushed down, trauma that I will face but, healing and freedom will come.  He promised.

I have always given up, flaked out or blamed other people of why I can't do something.  I am in the season of getting well.  No blame, no flaking  out and no giving up.  It is comfortable for me to be tossed, turned and barely breathing.  It is not fun anymore.  I want to have my footing and keep my balance.  I got really tired and needing to GET REAL with the Lord and myself.  I have to keep watching when the enemy's waves are coming at me, sometimes I can see it from far away.  Then there are some days that I don't know they are coming.  God has my footing and balance.  I just have to trust and know that I am worth fighting for.  He is fighting for me and holding my waist when the waves come crashing on me or around me.  I am willing to have Him hold me, I am FINALLY willing with open hands to let Him do what He is best at, rescuing, leading and loving me well.

I pray not for comfort, not ease not even manageable.  I ask to be given a task that will keep me learning and growing and uncomfortable and hungry.  I pray to stay in the place of balance but prepared for the raging seas ahead.

HE"S GOT ME!!!

Do I have permission to be a mess with the Lord?

I have been on the journey with the Lord for many years, for the past two years I have been on an intimate journey with Him.  I have received healing in many areas, have many god stories to share and I have a great community.  You would ask why is she a mess?  Easy question for me to answer.  I have stuffed, shoved, buried and hidden "crap" from my past for too long.  I have never given myself the permission to simply be a mess.  I have strategically walked around, jumped over and ignored the pile of poop that I am hiding.  Two weekends ago the poop came.  It came fast, out loud and our there for everyone to see.  I had to sit in the mess, feel it, experience it and most of all talk about it.  I felt so much pain, trauma and hurt.  My prayer was for me for once to really really FEEL the pain and walk with the Lord in it.  Obviously some days I try to ignore it, keep stuffing and use my shovel and dig a bigger hole.  In this new season I am walking into I am no longer that Alexa.  He is bringing me out into the open.  I am a mess in the open.  How embarrassing.  I feel like I failed or I didn't follow the "steps" of Christianity, which I know is a lie.  The mess is uncomfortable and sometimes unbearable.  I know I am going to see freedom in all this (at least I have hope!), but today is a day where I cannot breathe.  I am tired of praying.  I don't think I am worthy of anything.

 I was in small group tonight (which I went kicking and screaming) and we were talking about healing and how we are His clay and He is the potter.  I want to stay on the spool and let Him work on me, I truly do.  I want Him to mold me into who He has called me to be.  I really do.  I feel as if He doesn't want to keep soaking me in His living water to keep me on the spool (which is a lie also).  You know when you see an artist with the clay on the wheel, and the clay starts flopping around everywhere and the artist has to gently grab and bring the clay back. 
I am flopping and He is bringing me back and shaping, gently.

I do have permission to be a mess with the Lord.  I am His clay.  I may be flopping but for once I am choosing to be messy.  He has me and I have Him.  He will keep working and molding.  I pray that I give myself the permission everyday to be messy and most of all willing to let Him work. 

Thanks for letting me share.

Dreams

  I got the privilege to go to the Mountains with my friend who kindly showed me around!  I was in awe of the beauty and how BIG everything was.  For the past couple weeks I have been stressed, busy, tired, angry, confused, numb..I could go on and on.  My friend was going to the mountains and I asked if she could show me where to go,  she took me to the most incredible places.  One in particular I will never forget and I will be going back is "Our Secret Place."  I sat on a cliff and turned my ipod on to "Amazing Grace" and just sat.  My friend was to the right of me on another huge cliff, we were in awe and silence.  the most silence I have enjoyed in a long time.  As I was sitting there, I was begging the Lord to talk really loud and I wanted massive revelation on all that has been going on.  I waited and kept talking, imagine that!  I didn't hear anything.  I sat patiently after that, waited for His sweet voice.  Finally, I heard His voice.  I was hoping for some miraculous vision or Revelation.  Instead, "I love your heart."  I sat and soaked. 

After a little we went on to the next adventure.  I had so much fun exploring His making.
After a long day, I was driving home and asking for more I wanted more of His voice.  I was already full from seeing His beauty in the mountains, but I still as usual wanted more.  Which He loves!
I was asking for adventure, something different, dreams to happen.  He said "you have a big adventure ahead of you."
I cried, in the thought that I get to have an adventure with Him, which means more of Him.

Its been a couple days, still asking what my adventure is and when and where. (I am very patient!)

I had a meeting with Jana, (she is my mentor for Sweetly Broken, and where I am going with that) we were talking about different things with Sweetly Broken and where it is going.  As I sat there with her talking about having 2 retreats a year, me writing a study, her shepherding me. 

IT HIT ME!!! This IS my adventure, Sweetly Broken, rescuing women along side of Him.  I left excited, joyful, curious and hopeful. 

He is in the business of rescuing women, and so am I.  I get to be a part of His adventure and watching His redemption and glory. 

There are more dreams that He will fullfill but for now, I am loving this dream!

He does love my heart, because when I have my eyes on Him, my heart begins to form more like His.

He is our Mighty Fortress.

PS: Today I got a sticker on a banana that I was eating and it said "I love your heart!"

Sweetly Broken

Tonight was a sweet night with the sweetly broken retreat girls.  I am overjoyed, loved, excited, sad and extremely privileged to be sitting in the same room as these ladies.  The Lord let me be a part of a retreat, well not just a retreat, but a supernatural event.  I saw women in all different stages of there healing from abortion find freedom.  I haven't talked about this retreat in much depth yet, I think I have not is because I am still blown away.  Blown away at how much the Lord loves His women and loves His redemption story.
He took 7 women who are in different places, bonded us together then awakened our souls to a new possibility of life with Him.  I cant really describe the pictures I got when I was there, because it was not of this world.
There were 14 children aborted in that room that Saturday night, I took a moment to step back and look at the women and was overwhelmed at the healing that was happening.  I closed my eyes and saw my 2 kids dancing with me, then I opened my eyes and I saw 14 children dancing around their mothers.  I was taken back at the beauty the Lord created for me, for them, for Him. 
He is so proud to call us His children. 
He has called us into a different body, mind, soul and life. 

I hope this makes sense, I really just wanted to share how amazing our Father is.  I am thankful for the women that show up on Thursdays to share, cry, laugh and most of all just want to be in the presence of the Lord.  So very thankful for them.

i am enjoying the journey with the Lord through my abortions and blessed beyond belief to be a part of other women's journeys.
Loving the love story He has for me and all of the women.  We are ALL sweetly broken!
Thank You JESUS!!!

War

The enemy will take you down faster than we can even see or know.  I am feeling a little sad, lonely and really loved all at the same time.  There is a lot going on in my life, on the outside I appear to be "good."   My community of sisters would pull the Bullshit card on me. In all honesty I am today.  Today is very tough.  I keep asking the Lord one question for some months now, I say that he has not answered, or I like to tell people that He has given me the answer that I really wanted to hear.  But last night it hit me, we this morning at 2 am.  I wont go into detail but I found myself in a position that I wish  would have never happened. I was at war.  When you "feel" you are doing well and everything is "right" BOOM it hits you, well situations you put yourself in hits you.  Lets be frank the darker the situation the bigger the God we have.  Driving at 2 am was the moment "it" hit me.  Decisions need to be made, where am I going in life, who I am surrounding myself with, why do I go back and put the old self on?  Through conversation with my sweet friend I am trying to find healing in all this.  I am not living like I am going to heaven, I am living in the posture He will not keep pursing me and finding His lost sheep.  Last night was gross, sad and a sense of overwhelming love.  He is with me always, He will find His lost sheep no matter what.  There is a decision I have to make and it is hard for me to swallow but needs to be done.  I don't know if today is it or next year.  I am on a journey.  Today I feel gross.  Tomorrow is a new day, new mercy, grace and choices.  Thankful for that. 
Today I am healing and praying for redemption.  This is our love story, trying to let Him be the author that He is.  Hard when I am being selfish and needy.

Lord, I pray for healing and for you to restore.  I pray that you open my eyes and teach me.  I love that I am your lost sheep.  I always want to be the lost sheep because  in all reality, that makes me need you everyday.  Thank you for being with me at 2 am, thank you for loving me and guarding me when I needed it.  thank you for praying for me even if you were saddened by what was going on.  I love you more and more.  Keep the enemy far way,  and keep me closer.  Amen.

Old to New

Ephesians 4:22-24

“You were taught, with regard to your former way of life, to put off your old self, which is being corrupted by its deceitful desires; to be made new in the attitude of your minds; and to put the new self, created to be like God in true righteousness and holiness.”

Back in the day (I don’t know when!), when someone murdered someone they had to wear the body around for weeks.  How miserable and disturbing would that be, how embarrassing.

But, for some reason we wear our old self way too much.  When we took salvation we put off our old self.  The Lord has our old body, gave us a new one.  Why do we keep picking it up and wearing it?  For me I wear it because it’s comfortable, familiar and known.  He has called us into NEW, new bodies, new hearts and new minds.  Graham Cook said, “Feel Free to ignore the old self, because you are free!”

Let what is dead BE dead. 

Which self is doing the talking? Old or New?

Be overwhelmed on the possibilities on what the Lord can do.

Take a new nature to life or I like to say a new posture.  He has called us out of old and into new.  It is hard for me to understand sometimes, when the old self creeps back so fast and wants to “be comfortable,”  I am tired of settling to the Jesus that I used to hear about.  I am hungry, thirsty, and wanting more.  I want to feel His presence more, I want to rejoice even in the hard days (which are many), and most of all I want to know Him more.

All the negativity was nailed to the cross, I want to keep it there.

Lord, I pray for the spirit to awaken me, I pray for my sisters to feel the same.  Take my old body and leave it at the cross.  I want what you want.  Take me there, take me to the places you want me to be. I pray that when you take me to the hard places that I remember that you are working for my good.  I pray that I only listen to the Spirits voice, voice of the fruit and not my dead body. I love you and I love my King.  Amen

Love Story

Tonight I am going through the first journal that was given to me by my friend Kelly when I first moved here.  There are words and entries such as,
"I need repentance," "I am a loser," "I didn't realize how much He loved me," " I need to be saves of everything, I need Him every second of everyday, I need to repent EVERYDAY," "ask Him to talk to me,"I am broken refill me," "I am so stupid," "I want to leave, this is hard, no one told me this was going to be hard," "Sometimes I maybe like misery, its comfortable for me."

Then as I keep reading on to my other journal I read,
"I am your Bride and Beloved," "He WILL protect me," "Lord, Identify my worth," "I am made new," "He ADORES ME,"  and most importantly, "I AM FORGIVEN"

It is so encouraging to read my old entries, He has made me new, I am not stupid, I AM HIS BRIDE!
We are all on different journeys but we are all chasing after one thing, our husband, father, lover and friend, Jesus. 
He has called me out of my old body and has given me a new name.  When I first moved here I was scared that I would be different, you know, not fun, judgmental, and most of all a weird church goin' Tennessee girl!
The Lord keeps reminding me how much fun I am, even when I am dancing in my friend Lyschel's kitchen wearing her old dance gear (by the way i think we should bring it back!). 
I am loving, only because He is in my heart.
I am not a "church goin' Tennessee girl"  I am just a follower of the one who has set me free.

Sisters, grab your old journals, read your love story with the Lord.

I pray that we all will be encouraged by the awakening the Lord has given us, I pray even when the "old" remarks in my head come up when we feel like crap that He stands us up tall and speak out, We are His.  Amen.