Well I feel like I am in an ocean of water and I am drowning. I can still see but, I am getting close to not breathing. Work is going okay but I am not doing my best that I can. I am always so tired and don’t want to get out of bed, I am doing things from my past that make me feel good…But in the end all my problems are still there. I have a yearning to come to you and love you and run to you but I cannot seem to get there. I want to choose “right” But left is much more easy right now. I know all the words that people would say to me about what I “need” to do and where I “need” to go. But I feel the only way I “need” to go is into your arms.
The day I moved here is the day I let go of you. Part of me knows what I am doing is not what You want me to do but again its easier right now. I feel alone and lost. Drowning. I don’t have a community here and no one local to be with. I want what I had in Knoxville. I remember when I first moved here you told me “Lex, it’s going to be hard, but I have your hand” Really? I feel that you don’t have my hand, I am not angry at you more myself for running farther and farther from you. I was listening to a song at work and all I heard was “I miss the sound of your voice” Really? I miss yours too why can’t you just talk to me and tell me what and where and when I need to be doing your will…Or do I just need to stop striving for something? I finally got my house in order, thanks for helping and giving me energy for that. I feel distracted and confused. I want you to send me an email or something to tell me what is next. If I keep choosing the things I am doing I will be right back into the Hell I was in 2 years ago. I know what that feels like and it wasn’t fun for me or you! I talked to my friend tonight about all this, she is my shoulder and hand to hold and she told me….
“If I keep picking my little girl up when she tries to walk and don’t let her fall, she will never learn to walk sometimes she needs to keep falling.”
That stuck with me…are you letting me fall and fall till I say I need you and love you? But you know I love you and need you. Why are you letting me fall over and over again? Guess I am learning and you are teaching but I wish that you would give me a lifejacket and pull me out of the water. Sometimes when I am laying in bed I cry and cry out for you but I cannot hear you..I think you need to speak louder.
We are so much better together, not just me trying and trying.
I keep listening to “I can’t take my eyes off you” by Lady Antebellum and I think of the part when it says
Just lay here beside me and hold me and just don’t let go.
I want that back I want you to hold me and not take your eyes off me. Are you doing that? I can’t feel it or maybe I am just not feeling it or listening because I don’t want to?
I have a picture on facebook that says “Every wall must fall” Are you tearing down more and more?
Give me love and patience. I feel like you are feeling more pain than me during this process but I am so selfish and don’t care or am I consumed with my own pain. Don’t really know where to go from here. Yes attend church, celebrate recovery, or how about just start talking to you. I don’t need rehab or a group home I NEED YOU. I need to run to you and jump into your arms.
“tell me I’m forgiving and loved”
Maybe I don’t really want you to pull me up. Maybe I want to keep sinking until I can’t breathe anymore. Do I want to keep drowning? Or do I want your lifejacket?
“If you can go through life without ever experiencing pain you probably haven’t been born yet”
-Ashley Williams-
“Your tears are my prayers”
-Ashley Williams-
“I am defined here as the heart breaking inability to sustain contentment”
-Ashley Williams-
