A gift, a sacrifice, a friend and a sister

Today was a day I will never forget. I received a gift from my sister and friend today.  It was special, more special than anyone can imagine.  She listened to the Lord, she was obedient and faithful.  He asked her to make something for me and she obeyed.  Not only did she listened it was a two person job.  Her husband used his sweet hands and heart to make this gift with her. 


For the past month I have been back and forth with the Lord with questions about my abortions.  What did my kids say when they saw you for the first time?  Were they scared when the procedure was happening?  Did they ask about me?  Were you there?   I am a curious, worried and hopeful mother wondering what was happening in their little minds.  Another question that is brewing around me is, I have been asked to be in 2 delivery rooms with my friends to be with them and watch the miracle happen.  Not just hear say but right there in the moment.
This season of questions has brought me closer to the Lord but also comes with many emotions and thoughts.  I call Satan Shamu, when Shamu kills and destroys his trainer (or another animal) he watches, waits and then pounces on his prey.  He grabs them by the body and destroys the person.  He places them where he wants them and torments them.  I am trying to have you understand where I have been for this season.  Tormented, letting Shamu take control in secret places of my heart.

I was processing all the emotions today and trying to see what He was trying to tell me. 

I received a sweet revelation, I was not able to give birth to my kids, I was asked a year ago to be in the room for one of my friends, and now one of my close friends asked me to be in the room for her baby in June.  He is giving me a gift of a lifetime.  I am able to experience 2 births. I get to watch,  hold her hand, see a miracle happen.
Today Shamu was taken out by my mighty Dad!
I was given a gift from Him that I am forever changed.  I rejoiced with my kids and Kelly's kids today.  I danced, laughed and got backup.  My kids are with me, they are in that nest, watching, rejoicing and defiantly dancing with our Father.  I am overwhelmed by the gift and kiss from the Lord.  I am taken back by Kelly's gift that she sacrificed time and energy to faithfully finish this.  I am overjoyed by Adam, the Good Pastor helping his wife in a place she needed help.  I am a lucky girl!

What a mighty God we have, what a redemption story He loves to tell. 

The only way to Freedom is through submission and the only way to victory is through surrender!!

AMEN

In the Potters Hands

My questions to my Potter today

Why have you made me like this?
Do you like what you made?
What are your favortie parts about what you made?

I hate asking these questions, I feel disconnected to him, far away, "busy" and afraid to mess up.
Honestly, I am not that important to mess up his creation, but what is to love about a messy messy mess?

"In Better Hands"

It's hard to stand
On shifting sand
It's hard to shine
In the shadows of the night
You can't be free
If you don't reach for help
And you can't love
If you don't love yourself
But there is hope when my faith runs out...
Cuz I'm in better hands now

[Chorus:]
It's like the sun is shining
When the rain is pourin' down
It's like my soul is flying
Though my feet are on the ground
So take this heart of mine
There's no doubt
I'm in better hands now

I am strong
All because of you
I stand in awe of
Every mountain that you move
I am changed
Yesterday is gone
I am safe
From this moment on...
And there's no fear when the night comes 'round
I'm in better hands now

[Chorus]

It's like the sun is shining
When the rain is pourin' down
It's like my soul is flying
Though my feet are on the ground
It's like the world is silent
Though I know it isn't true
It's like the breath of Jesus
Is right here in this room
So take this heart of mine
There's no doubt

You can't be saved
If you're not reaching out for help

Set Up

Still trying to stand in the waves and feel the Lord's presence.  I have been "busy" really too busy.  I am planning the Fundraiser for Women Getting Real, Writing for Sweetly Broken Retreat, work and just doing life.  I went to Abiding Glory tonight to meet Jana to look at the space for the event.  I walked in and there were people walking around and waiting for something special (I felt they were!).  As I walked around scoping the place out (by the way if you are going to the Fundraiser it is an amazing place), I felt my heart calm down and my soul felt at ease.  I didn't know what it was until, they started worship.
  I was there to map out, get ideas and work on the event.  Well, I thought I was.  The Lord had a different thought in mind.  They sang with so much heart and passion.  The people started coming up to sing, dance and praise the Lord.  It was freeing to just watch so many different people worshiping in their own way.  I sat watching.  I was in awe of the freedom in that place. 
I am a dancer and a mover when it comes to worshiping, but I have never seen so much heart in worshiping.
I still sat down, my legs didn't move.  I was stuck to close my eyes and listen. 
In that moment part of my heart changed.  I am in a rut, almost like Jonah in the Whale.  Smelly, gross, mushy and dark. 
At that moment everything looked different.  It was a supernatural experience.  On the outside looking at me you wouldn't see anything different.  But on the inside, I was in awe.  I saw light, a new journey and a different God.
I heard Him speak (which has been a while!), I have courage, strength and passion.  There is a new way for me, out of the Whale and into the land to shine.  I am refreshed, loved and more vision on where we are going.   I was set up to see light. I was set up for transformation. I was set up with my father to love on me.  I was set up to soak. I was set up for more freedom.

I was set up for more walls to fall.

Thank You Lord, thank you.

Retreat!!!

 Sweetly Broken Testimony- Video Link to me and Lord's Journey

Sweetly Broken Retreats are announced

March & November

I will keep you posted on exact dates, if you are considering on going and are wanting to ask questions, please email me

alexastephenson11@gmail.com

Move

I pray that I sing this everyday!

Sing along and Dance.

Move-Click for  Video and song

I'm not about to give up
Because I heard you say
There's gonna be brighter days
There's gonna be brighter days
I wont stop, I'll keep my head up
No, I'm not here to stay
There's gonna be brighter days
There's gonna be brighter days

I just might bend but wont break
As long as I can see your face

When life wont play along
And right keeps going wrong
And I cant seem to find my way
I know where I am found
So I wont let it drag me down
Oh, I'll keep dancing anyway

I'm gonna move (move)
I'm gonna move (move)
I'm gonna move [gonna move]

Ive got to hold it steady
Keep my head in the game
Everything is about to change
Everything is about to change

This burdens getting heavy
But I'm not about to cave
Everything's about to change
There's gonna be brighter days

I just might bend but wont break
As long as I can see your face

When life wont play along
And right keeps going wrong
And I cant seem to find my way
I know where I am found
So I wont let it drag me down
Oh, I'll keep dancing anyway

No matter what may come
Gotta move to a different drum
No matter what life brings
Gotta move gotta move to a different beat
Gotta move gotta move to a different beat

I just might bend but I won't break
As long as I can see your face

When life wont play along
And right keeps going wrong
And I cant seem to find my way
I know where I am found
So I wont let it drag me down
Oh, I'll keep dancing anyway

When life wont play along
And right keeps going wrong
And I cant seem to find my way
I know where I am found
So I wont let it drag me down
Oh, I'll keep dancing anyway

When life wont play along
And right keeps going wrong
And I cant seem to find my way
I know where I am found
So I wont let it drag me down
Oh, I'll keep dancing anyway

Gonna move [Gonna move] ....

The waves are crashing on me, but I still stand strong

Most people say that the ocean reminds them of Grace.  Sometimes the ocean is quiet and soft, sometimes its almost a sweet ocean with smooth waves crashing, and then there are times when the ocean is raging. 
I was in Florida about a week ago.  I went to the beach as much as possible.  When I lived there I never took advantage of it.  I was determined that I would go everyday.  I made is almost everyday, it was great to sit by myself and process.  I laid out, read and played!  I went into the ocean several times.  The waves were big, loud and rough. It felt so good to be tossed and turned in the waves.  It was comfortable for me.  I wasn't scared or nervous I was just OK being tossed.  Then I got really tired being tossed around.  I needed to place my feet on the bottom of the ocean to get balance and grip to keep standing.  I had to figure out where I felt the most safe and being a little dangerous at the same time.  I finally found my footing.  Standing there I can see the raging waves slowing coming towards me.  I got a little nervous, I didn't want to loose my footing and balance.  A wave was coming I heard the roar, I looked the other way for just a second and I was under the wave, knocked off my feet under water flailing around underwater, couldn't breathe, not knowing how far I have gone from my "spot" of balance. 

I got out of the wave and surprisingly I was not too far from there I was.  I swam back to the spot and by that point after the craziness underwater mess happened, I was set on paying attention to the waves coming ahead.

Another wave came and I jumped as it hit me and I was back down.  Another one, then another one came, it was constant crashing and loosing a little balance but every time I got better and every time it got a little easier.  Never easy, never perfect but better and more enjoyable playing in the ocean.

You see, I am in this season of messy messy business.  Memories are being brought back, hurts that I pushed down, trauma that I will face but, healing and freedom will come.  He promised.

I have always given up, flaked out or blamed other people of why I can't do something.  I am in the season of getting well.  No blame, no flaking  out and no giving up.  It is comfortable for me to be tossed, turned and barely breathing.  It is not fun anymore.  I want to have my footing and keep my balance.  I got really tired and needing to GET REAL with the Lord and myself.  I have to keep watching when the enemy's waves are coming at me, sometimes I can see it from far away.  Then there are some days that I don't know they are coming.  God has my footing and balance.  I just have to trust and know that I am worth fighting for.  He is fighting for me and holding my waist when the waves come crashing on me or around me.  I am willing to have Him hold me, I am FINALLY willing with open hands to let Him do what He is best at, rescuing, leading and loving me well.

I pray not for comfort, not ease not even manageable.  I ask to be given a task that will keep me learning and growing and uncomfortable and hungry.  I pray to stay in the place of balance but prepared for the raging seas ahead.

HE"S GOT ME!!!

Do I have permission to be a mess with the Lord?

I have been on the journey with the Lord for many years, for the past two years I have been on an intimate journey with Him.  I have received healing in many areas, have many god stories to share and I have a great community.  You would ask why is she a mess?  Easy question for me to answer.  I have stuffed, shoved, buried and hidden "crap" from my past for too long.  I have never given myself the permission to simply be a mess.  I have strategically walked around, jumped over and ignored the pile of poop that I am hiding.  Two weekends ago the poop came.  It came fast, out loud and our there for everyone to see.  I had to sit in the mess, feel it, experience it and most of all talk about it.  I felt so much pain, trauma and hurt.  My prayer was for me for once to really really FEEL the pain and walk with the Lord in it.  Obviously some days I try to ignore it, keep stuffing and use my shovel and dig a bigger hole.  In this new season I am walking into I am no longer that Alexa.  He is bringing me out into the open.  I am a mess in the open.  How embarrassing.  I feel like I failed or I didn't follow the "steps" of Christianity, which I know is a lie.  The mess is uncomfortable and sometimes unbearable.  I know I am going to see freedom in all this (at least I have hope!), but today is a day where I cannot breathe.  I am tired of praying.  I don't think I am worthy of anything.

 I was in small group tonight (which I went kicking and screaming) and we were talking about healing and how we are His clay and He is the potter.  I want to stay on the spool and let Him work on me, I truly do.  I want Him to mold me into who He has called me to be.  I really do.  I feel as if He doesn't want to keep soaking me in His living water to keep me on the spool (which is a lie also).  You know when you see an artist with the clay on the wheel, and the clay starts flopping around everywhere and the artist has to gently grab and bring the clay back. 
I am flopping and He is bringing me back and shaping, gently.

I do have permission to be a mess with the Lord.  I am His clay.  I may be flopping but for once I am choosing to be messy.  He has me and I have Him.  He will keep working and molding.  I pray that I give myself the permission everyday to be messy and most of all willing to let Him work. 

Thanks for letting me share.

Dreams

  I got the privilege to go to the Mountains with my friend who kindly showed me around!  I was in awe of the beauty and how BIG everything was.  For the past couple weeks I have been stressed, busy, tired, angry, confused, numb..I could go on and on.  My friend was going to the mountains and I asked if she could show me where to go,  she took me to the most incredible places.  One in particular I will never forget and I will be going back is "Our Secret Place."  I sat on a cliff and turned my ipod on to "Amazing Grace" and just sat.  My friend was to the right of me on another huge cliff, we were in awe and silence.  the most silence I have enjoyed in a long time.  As I was sitting there, I was begging the Lord to talk really loud and I wanted massive revelation on all that has been going on.  I waited and kept talking, imagine that!  I didn't hear anything.  I sat patiently after that, waited for His sweet voice.  Finally, I heard His voice.  I was hoping for some miraculous vision or Revelation.  Instead, "I love your heart."  I sat and soaked. 

After a little we went on to the next adventure.  I had so much fun exploring His making.
After a long day, I was driving home and asking for more I wanted more of His voice.  I was already full from seeing His beauty in the mountains, but I still as usual wanted more.  Which He loves!
I was asking for adventure, something different, dreams to happen.  He said "you have a big adventure ahead of you."
I cried, in the thought that I get to have an adventure with Him, which means more of Him.

Its been a couple days, still asking what my adventure is and when and where. (I am very patient!)

I had a meeting with Jana, (she is my mentor for Sweetly Broken, and where I am going with that) we were talking about different things with Sweetly Broken and where it is going.  As I sat there with her talking about having 2 retreats a year, me writing a study, her shepherding me. 

IT HIT ME!!! This IS my adventure, Sweetly Broken, rescuing women along side of Him.  I left excited, joyful, curious and hopeful. 

He is in the business of rescuing women, and so am I.  I get to be a part of His adventure and watching His redemption and glory. 

There are more dreams that He will fullfill but for now, I am loving this dream!

He does love my heart, because when I have my eyes on Him, my heart begins to form more like His.

He is our Mighty Fortress.

PS: Today I got a sticker on a banana that I was eating and it said "I love your heart!"

Sweetly Broken

Tonight was a sweet night with the sweetly broken retreat girls.  I am overjoyed, loved, excited, sad and extremely privileged to be sitting in the same room as these ladies.  The Lord let me be a part of a retreat, well not just a retreat, but a supernatural event.  I saw women in all different stages of there healing from abortion find freedom.  I haven't talked about this retreat in much depth yet, I think I have not is because I am still blown away.  Blown away at how much the Lord loves His women and loves His redemption story.
He took 7 women who are in different places, bonded us together then awakened our souls to a new possibility of life with Him.  I cant really describe the pictures I got when I was there, because it was not of this world.
There were 14 children aborted in that room that Saturday night, I took a moment to step back and look at the women and was overwhelmed at the healing that was happening.  I closed my eyes and saw my 2 kids dancing with me, then I opened my eyes and I saw 14 children dancing around their mothers.  I was taken back at the beauty the Lord created for me, for them, for Him. 
He is so proud to call us His children. 
He has called us into a different body, mind, soul and life. 

I hope this makes sense, I really just wanted to share how amazing our Father is.  I am thankful for the women that show up on Thursdays to share, cry, laugh and most of all just want to be in the presence of the Lord.  So very thankful for them.

i am enjoying the journey with the Lord through my abortions and blessed beyond belief to be a part of other women's journeys.
Loving the love story He has for me and all of the women.  We are ALL sweetly broken!
Thank You JESUS!!!

War

The enemy will take you down faster than we can even see or know.  I am feeling a little sad, lonely and really loved all at the same time.  There is a lot going on in my life, on the outside I appear to be "good."   My community of sisters would pull the Bullshit card on me. In all honesty I am today.  Today is very tough.  I keep asking the Lord one question for some months now, I say that he has not answered, or I like to tell people that He has given me the answer that I really wanted to hear.  But last night it hit me, we this morning at 2 am.  I wont go into detail but I found myself in a position that I wish  would have never happened. I was at war.  When you "feel" you are doing well and everything is "right" BOOM it hits you, well situations you put yourself in hits you.  Lets be frank the darker the situation the bigger the God we have.  Driving at 2 am was the moment "it" hit me.  Decisions need to be made, where am I going in life, who I am surrounding myself with, why do I go back and put the old self on?  Through conversation with my sweet friend I am trying to find healing in all this.  I am not living like I am going to heaven, I am living in the posture He will not keep pursing me and finding His lost sheep.  Last night was gross, sad and a sense of overwhelming love.  He is with me always, He will find His lost sheep no matter what.  There is a decision I have to make and it is hard for me to swallow but needs to be done.  I don't know if today is it or next year.  I am on a journey.  Today I feel gross.  Tomorrow is a new day, new mercy, grace and choices.  Thankful for that. 
Today I am healing and praying for redemption.  This is our love story, trying to let Him be the author that He is.  Hard when I am being selfish and needy.

Lord, I pray for healing and for you to restore.  I pray that you open my eyes and teach me.  I love that I am your lost sheep.  I always want to be the lost sheep because  in all reality, that makes me need you everyday.  Thank you for being with me at 2 am, thank you for loving me and guarding me when I needed it.  thank you for praying for me even if you were saddened by what was going on.  I love you more and more.  Keep the enemy far way,  and keep me closer.  Amen.

Old to New

Ephesians 4:22-24

“You were taught, with regard to your former way of life, to put off your old self, which is being corrupted by its deceitful desires; to be made new in the attitude of your minds; and to put the new self, created to be like God in true righteousness and holiness.”

Back in the day (I don’t know when!), when someone murdered someone they had to wear the body around for weeks.  How miserable and disturbing would that be, how embarrassing.

But, for some reason we wear our old self way too much.  When we took salvation we put off our old self.  The Lord has our old body, gave us a new one.  Why do we keep picking it up and wearing it?  For me I wear it because it’s comfortable, familiar and known.  He has called us into NEW, new bodies, new hearts and new minds.  Graham Cook said, “Feel Free to ignore the old self, because you are free!”

Let what is dead BE dead. 

Which self is doing the talking? Old or New?

Be overwhelmed on the possibilities on what the Lord can do.

Take a new nature to life or I like to say a new posture.  He has called us out of old and into new.  It is hard for me to understand sometimes, when the old self creeps back so fast and wants to “be comfortable,”  I am tired of settling to the Jesus that I used to hear about.  I am hungry, thirsty, and wanting more.  I want to feel His presence more, I want to rejoice even in the hard days (which are many), and most of all I want to know Him more.

All the negativity was nailed to the cross, I want to keep it there.

Lord, I pray for the spirit to awaken me, I pray for my sisters to feel the same.  Take my old body and leave it at the cross.  I want what you want.  Take me there, take me to the places you want me to be. I pray that when you take me to the hard places that I remember that you are working for my good.  I pray that I only listen to the Spirits voice, voice of the fruit and not my dead body. I love you and I love my King.  Amen

Love Story

Tonight I am going through the first journal that was given to me by my friend Kelly when I first moved here.  There are words and entries such as,
"I need repentance," "I am a loser," "I didn't realize how much He loved me," " I need to be saves of everything, I need Him every second of everyday, I need to repent EVERYDAY," "ask Him to talk to me,"I am broken refill me," "I am so stupid," "I want to leave, this is hard, no one told me this was going to be hard," "Sometimes I maybe like misery, its comfortable for me."

Then as I keep reading on to my other journal I read,
"I am your Bride and Beloved," "He WILL protect me," "Lord, Identify my worth," "I am made new," "He ADORES ME,"  and most importantly, "I AM FORGIVEN"

It is so encouraging to read my old entries, He has made me new, I am not stupid, I AM HIS BRIDE!
We are all on different journeys but we are all chasing after one thing, our husband, father, lover and friend, Jesus. 
He has called me out of my old body and has given me a new name.  When I first moved here I was scared that I would be different, you know, not fun, judgmental, and most of all a weird church goin' Tennessee girl!
The Lord keeps reminding me how much fun I am, even when I am dancing in my friend Lyschel's kitchen wearing her old dance gear (by the way i think we should bring it back!). 
I am loving, only because He is in my heart.
I am not a "church goin' Tennessee girl"  I am just a follower of the one who has set me free.

Sisters, grab your old journals, read your love story with the Lord.

I pray that we all will be encouraged by the awakening the Lord has given us, I pray even when the "old" remarks in my head come up when we feel like crap that He stands us up tall and speak out, We are His.  Amen.

A helpless rabbit in a pack of snarling dogs

Psalm 124

A Pilgrim Song of David

^1-5 If God hadn't been for us —all together now, Israel, sing out!—
If God hadn't been for us
when everyone went against us,
We would have been swallowed alive
by their violent anger,
Swept away by the flood of rage,
drowned in the torrent;
We would have lost our lives
in the wild, raging water.

⁶ Oh, blessed be God!
He didn't go off and leave us.
He didn't abandon us defenseless,
helpless as a rabbit in a pack of snarling dogs.

⁷ We've flown free from their fangs,
free of their traps, free as a bird.
Their grip is broken;
we're free as a bird in flight.

⁸ God's strong name is our help,
the same God who made heaven and earth.

My sweet friend gave me this from the message, I was spinning out and not knowing what happened.  I was "doing so good" then it hit me.  Faster than light, I was all over the place. 
Doing good is a easy way of saying that I was flying under the radar.  I was hiding out secretly and not being present in what He was wanting out of me. 
Drama hit the fan and went everywhere.  I kept talking about it and that didn't make it go away, all that did was water the bush of disaster. 
I went to everyone that would listen and give me advice.  But really I didn't call it what it was. THE ENEMY ATTACKING and the advice I really needed was His, but as we all do I chose to not go to Him first!
I finally got really tired of fighting with the Lord and listened to what he was trying to teach me. 
I am in the season of learning and soaking.  It is a sweet season, but difficult for me to understand because my flesh wants instant gratification, but He wants to teach and grow me up!
In all the drama, there were words I didn't think were right, things said that were untrue and the situation was dealt with in a way I never would have understood if I didn't have Him to tell me what the truth was in it.
After the spinning out, the only way to stop was to curl up next to Him and LISTEN!
Now I am soaking, listening and being taught by the best teacher. 

⁶ Oh, blessed be God!
He didn't go off and leave us.
He didn't abandon us defenseless,
helpless as a rabbit in a pack of snarling dogs.

Last week I was the helpless rabbit (by choice) but still was in his hands
This week I am in His hands and LOVING IT!!

Pulled

      Have you ever felt like you are being pulled in many places with the Lord?  I am the student who has a hard time focusing on one thing.  He wants to teach me so much right now but sometimes I don’t think I am listening or paying attention.  I am feeling as if I am in Middle School again trying to understand math.  If I put forth the effort I could understand in time, but back then I chose to fail and now I Crave to succeed.  What does that look like? I am getting these pictures of where the Lord wants to take me, to be honest I almost pee my pants in excitement, anticipation and I am petrified.  I am excited because I see so much of his work being done and I get to be a part of that. Petrified because what if I screw it up!  As I say those words Screw it up, I get a whisper from the Lord, going-NOPE! I don’t think he is big enough to take care of a mess up? I don’t think his Grace will cover that mess up? I will mess up and I will say something wrong! The best part of all that is I get to have him to teach me and guide me.  It sounds very churchy but it is true.  I am so eager and willing to see what will happen but as for right now I need to focus on today and NOW and what we are doing with today! Because honestly he will take care of the rest of it

Lord, Thank You so much for just today and being here with me right  now in Books A Million! I pray that wherever you take me that you hold on tight and don’t let go.  Sometimes I am so scared you will let go, but then you always show up. There is a song that comes to my mind is better is one day, because better is one day in your courts, better is one day in your house, better is one day in your courts than thousands elsewhere.  I love you so much and thanks for teaching and training me for what will come.  Better IS one day, In Jesus Name, Amen

Livin it up, then into his arms

         To catch up...I was living in Chattanooga, "Livin it up" as I would say laughing.  I decided to go back to the "old Alexa" and do life without Him.  Now I moved back to Knoxville with a great place to live for the time being, loving community and sober (again!).  But on the other hand I have no job, no money, no permanent home, credit ruined and feeling very very worthless.  My friend tells me these are the consequences for my behavior.  Last time I went into a spiral it was ten years of "Livin it up" and then I packed my bags and moved to Knoxville, now it was 4 months of so-called fun. My relapses get shorter and shorter, which I would say thank goodness, but when does it not happen? Throughout the partying and trying life without him, I felt so alone, scared, broken and feeling that I will NEVER get back to him.  At the time it seemed so fun and worth it.  In the end I felt worthless. 

        I was hiding, isolating and running.  I was running to a bottle of vodka.  I needed to run to the arms of the Lord.  But I wasn't ready.  When I got fired, I said to the Lord, "REALLY" I was so surprised I have never gotten fired ever in my life.  I loved working, maybe I worked too much and didn't involve him into any aspect of work. 

       Running, Running and more running I am running back into the arms of my father.  It sounds like it was a magical event but really I am struggling.  It is very humbling to be fired and living with a family (again).  These are my consequences from my actions, I GOT IT!  I still have no job and I am wondering where he is taking me now.  I am in a very uncomfortable place and feel anxious, not an excited anxious but more of a "get me out of this place" anxious.  Its hard to trust in Him for certain things that you  never trusted him with. 

       I am glad that I went to Chattanooga and sunk, some of you might say"WHAT"
I thought I had it "all together" and Boom! It dropped....We will see what happens but I am nervous, excited, anxious, sad, worried, and feel worthless all at the same time....Hes got me I know but its hard to trust that's for sure.

Just Breathe

Just Breathe

Breathing seems so much easier said than done, you wouldn't think so but when the Lord tells you to breathe its much harder. I have been putting myself into a hole that began to get deeper and deeper as time went on. I tried AGAIN to love life without Him, as my friend Jana would say, " How's that working out for ya?"

I would say by the looks of my life its not really working out for me. I feel like I haven't hit rock bottom, should I feel like I have? Or does my rock bottom look different now then 2 years ago? He has to be teaching me something! I am trying to take one day at a time, that sounds very cliche, but true. I don't know how long I can do this one day at a time stuff, but I am learning to look to him before anything. Very new process for me!!! He is giving me words like, Don't be anxious, breathe, look to me. Love hearing him, its been way too long.

Breathing with him, breathing his love in, breathing on breathe at a time. Are you breathing? Am I still breathing? What do I need everyday to breathe him in? What do you need?