Pulled

      Have you ever felt like you are being pulled in many places with the Lord?  I am the student who has a hard time focusing on one thing.  He wants to teach me so much right now but sometimes I don’t think I am listening or paying attention.  I am feeling as if I am in Middle School again trying to understand math.  If I put forth the effort I could understand in time, but back then I chose to fail and now I Crave to succeed.  What does that look like? I am getting these pictures of where the Lord wants to take me, to be honest I almost pee my pants in excitement, anticipation and I am petrified.  I am excited because I see so much of his work being done and I get to be a part of that. Petrified because what if I screw it up!  As I say those words Screw it up, I get a whisper from the Lord, going-NOPE! I don’t think he is big enough to take care of a mess up? I don’t think his Grace will cover that mess up? I will mess up and I will say something wrong! The best part of all that is I get to have him to teach me and guide me.  It sounds very churchy but it is true.  I am so eager and willing to see what will happen but as for right now I need to focus on today and NOW and what we are doing with today! Because honestly he will take care of the rest of it

Lord, Thank You so much for just today and being here with me right  now in Books A Million! I pray that wherever you take me that you hold on tight and don’t let go.  Sometimes I am so scared you will let go, but then you always show up. There is a song that comes to my mind is better is one day, because better is one day in your courts, better is one day in your house, better is one day in your courts than thousands elsewhere.  I love you so much and thanks for teaching and training me for what will come.  Better IS one day, In Jesus Name, Amen

Livin it up, then into his arms

         To catch up...I was living in Chattanooga, "Livin it up" as I would say laughing.  I decided to go back to the "old Alexa" and do life without Him.  Now I moved back to Knoxville with a great place to live for the time being, loving community and sober (again!).  But on the other hand I have no job, no money, no permanent home, credit ruined and feeling very very worthless.  My friend tells me these are the consequences for my behavior.  Last time I went into a spiral it was ten years of "Livin it up" and then I packed my bags and moved to Knoxville, now it was 4 months of so-called fun. My relapses get shorter and shorter, which I would say thank goodness, but when does it not happen? Throughout the partying and trying life without him, I felt so alone, scared, broken and feeling that I will NEVER get back to him.  At the time it seemed so fun and worth it.  In the end I felt worthless. 

        I was hiding, isolating and running.  I was running to a bottle of vodka.  I needed to run to the arms of the Lord.  But I wasn't ready.  When I got fired, I said to the Lord, "REALLY" I was so surprised I have never gotten fired ever in my life.  I loved working, maybe I worked too much and didn't involve him into any aspect of work. 

       Running, Running and more running I am running back into the arms of my father.  It sounds like it was a magical event but really I am struggling.  It is very humbling to be fired and living with a family (again).  These are my consequences from my actions, I GOT IT!  I still have no job and I am wondering where he is taking me now.  I am in a very uncomfortable place and feel anxious, not an excited anxious but more of a "get me out of this place" anxious.  Its hard to trust in Him for certain things that you  never trusted him with. 

       I am glad that I went to Chattanooga and sunk, some of you might say"WHAT"
I thought I had it "all together" and Boom! It dropped....We will see what happens but I am nervous, excited, anxious, sad, worried, and feel worthless all at the same time....Hes got me I know but its hard to trust that's for sure.