Exposed!

Ok, so I am going to get real exposed!!

Do you ever have the feeling of being completely naked in front of 180,000 people?  I say 180,000 people because, today I feel like I am in the center of the Volunteer Football Stadium butt naked and everyone is starting at me!  All my pain and suffering is exposed for all to see. The amusing thing is I have been alone 90% of the day!!!

The feeling didn't start completely naked, first I was in the middle of the field shielded but my protector, then as I got deeper into my wounds today, I was bare for all to see.  My protector was there but I didn't know it.  I know He (Jesus) was covering me in His way, but I felt he was in the stands watching with everyone else and NOT protecting me.

For some odd reason, things from my past are NOT healed!!  WHO KNEW:)

For years, I was abandoned, alone and afraid.  My heart and soul were so empty.  I was lost in a crazy world of drugs, drinking and sex.  When I moved I thought that I would be much better.  Little did I know that this road is HARD!  I wish someone would have told me, well, I take that back-Kelly told me it was a hard road, but I didn't believe her.

First part of my healing was my abortions.  I did "what I was supposed to do" with receiving healing on that end of my heart.  BUT, there is so much more pain and suffering behind my eyes.  I have been in counseling for years now and my counselor  now calls my crap "Alexa's bag of bullshit."  Amusing huh?
It is a bag of bullshit, its a big bag, a heavy bag and I have loved it being there for many years.

Let me tell you a little about my "bag of bullshit"- Fear of people in my life leaving me, fear of being neglected, fear of being married, fear of being a horrible wife, fear of cheating on my husband, fear of not being a good friend, fear of not really "knowing" Jesus, fear of not being a good mother, fear of getting fat, fear of not succeeding in my business, fear of failing in all places in my life, afraid to love people because I don't want to get hurt, fear of not being loved, fear of never being healed,  fear of no one liking who I really am and fear of people knowing the Real ME.

The list can go on and on...But as I am "doing life" trying so hard to be someone people like and will love, it's exhausting.

The real Alexa is, Broken, lost, lonely sometimes, really sensitive, I cry a lot, really funny, a BIG dork, very affectionate, really loves people, really loves post abortive women, adores kids, loves her boyfriend, loves the friends she has, deeply loves her family, loves acting, loves singing, I laugh A LOT, I dance funny to make people laugh, I'm in LOVE with Jesus, and I AM REDEEMED. (I pray that I believe all of this soon)

All these fears the Lord will take care of, I just keep trusting that He will stay by my side when its uncomfortable.  He has taught me to remain in His arms.  He is teaching me peace and rest.
Rest in the anxiety
Have peace that the Lord will heal me.
Rest in the most uncomfortable days.
Peace in the changing.

This is the most uncomfortable year I have had in a long time.  Really, the most uncomfortable couple days ever!  If you are uncomfortable, SIT, PRAY, SEEK.

Lord,
This season is not fun, its uncomfortable, high anxiety and painful.  The world is seeing the messy mess I am.  I pray that you teach me to stay calm.  I pray that you teach me to be at rest in your arms, no one else's.  Take all my fears and heal.  I pray for those who are around me going through this kind of healing to break free with me!  I just want to know you more lord.

Amen

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=N0B2ybZpDeM

Listen and REST.


Alexa:))